‘Love you all the world’ - Dealing with losing a parent

*Trigger warning* This blog talks about grief and discusses suicide which we understand can be upsetting.

Lucy shares how she dealt with losing her Mum nearly 12 months on from her death.

- Lucy Moore 

April 2020 will always be a time that haunts me, and I will forever dread April that comes around for the rest of my life. This was the time I lost my beautiful Mum when she took her life. Although I was so incredibly angry and hurt at first, this nearly past year I’ve learnt to accept my emotions and change that anger into a more deep-rooted love for my Mum. 

Mum was known for her infectious laugh and her biggest grin that could light up any room! She’d give the biggest hugs which would leave you flushing; she’d always squeeze your hand so tightly when she knew you were upset or struggling, and then remind you how she ‘love[d] you all the world’. 

Mine and my siblings' lives were thrown upside down and all around: a new environment to live in, new routines, having to explain to people what had happened. We waited nearly two months for the funeral because of the backlog from coronavirus. I was certain that I would read her eulogy out. The day of the funeral came, and even though I was there in a pit of tears, makeup everywhere, I made sure I got up and read it – for my Mum, for my brother and sister, for my family and also for me. It’s one of my proudest moments. 

The months processing my grief were hard and turbulent. After almost a year has passed, I am in no way saying I have processed all my grief and I am in wonderful mental health space. Fortunately, at the hands and thanks to my old secondary school, I was encouraged and guided to engage in counselling to deal with and process my emotions. At first, I was very sceptical and thought, very stubbornly, that I could resolve it all in my head. But the more I held it in, the more stressed, anxious and upset I became: I was suffering from severe tension headaches to the point I would end up in A&E; I stayed up nights after nights worrying about what the future held. 

I am so glad I was proven wrong about counselling – it was so relieving having someone to speak to about how I was feeling authentically and in a raw setting. I didn’t feel judged and was able to open my mind more to why I was feeling what I was and also why my Mum could have been feeling the way she was. I also had the best support from the people around me who were always there to listen to me and comfort me when I was having a bad day. 

To get through the last few months I began to make a conscious effort to move my life forward and avoid sticking in a rut: planning my day out, throwing myself into university work, speaking to those closest to me when I was struggling, going out for walks, and finding new hobbies and interests to occupy my mind. On the days I didn’t feel like ‘me’, I would remind myself that this is not what my Mum would have wanted. She wouldn’t want me upset – she’d want me to be happy. 

Over the last 11 months, my proudest moment has to be when I raised £1365 for Mind from doing a 15k walk in honour of my Mum. For someone who hated PE and would turn up to lessons hoping the 60 minutes would fly by, this was a huge challenge! However, I knew it was something I wanted to do and something my Mum would’ve laughed at me for – for being the least athletic person going – but also would’ve been proud of. My social media were plastered for weeks with my JustGiving page as I was determined to raise as much as I could. I will always feel incredibly proud of myself for accomplishing the walk and for raising the amount of fund that I did. I hope to engage more in fundraising this year to keep raising awareness around Mental Health. 

When losing a parent or any loved ones, to any circumstance, people often tell you it gets easier; for me at the moment, I can’t say it has – but I’ve learnt to live with it. It is an irreversible and unchangeable chapter of my life, but I can let it make me not break me. Processing the loss and grief has helped me understand and emphasise with others more.

Your feelings, no matter what, is always valid when it comes to grief. You just have to remind yourself that you were and always are loved and that those lost too are always loved. 

I will always ‘love you all the world’ Mum.

To learn more about how you can support yourself through loss, you can find more Student Minds resources at Student Space. If you are seeking support, other organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Care,  Hope Again and Let's Talk about Loss are there to help.

Hi, I'm Lucy, a 20-year-old from London who wants to help raise awareness around Mental Health. After losing my Mum last year, I want people to see there is life throughout and beyond grief.

Binge Eat, Sleep For The Entire Day & Repeat

Nadia shares her story of how her depression has worsened due to university stress and wants to share her story to show anyone suffering that they are not the only one.

- Nadia
 

*Trigger Warning: Discussions of suicide, binge-eating and self-blame.*

 

Facing the day

I wake up, once again, with a horrible headache, despite having slept for an entire day. This feels odd, as I have been battling insomnia for the past two months. Starting the day is often difficult for me as I struggle with negative thoughts about my body and with feeling ugly and worthless. This can cause me to avoid completing University work, and can lead me into a downward spiral of binge-eating. It is difficult to get out of this routine, but I have been to my doctor and have started taking medication, which takes a while to kick in. I am hoping this will prevent the suicidal tendencies I experience in my lowest moments. I’m also hoping it will improve my overall mood; I sometimes feel like I am wasting my life not doing anything – failing University, jobless, and feeling like a constant disappointment. Although I have great friends, I don’t want to burden them with how I’m feeling, but I am so bored and tired of being like this all the time. Writing this blog piece has been a turning point, a reminder that however I’m feeling now, things can get better.

You have gotten through bad times before

I know that I have felt like this before, but have been able to improve and get well. So, I want this blog piece to be a reminder to myself, and to all of you readers, that even when things seem terrible there is always a way forward. For some reason, writing this blog piece makes me feel that I can breathe a bit better. I’d forgotten how much I loved writing, how natural and right it feels for me to express myself in words. Having not felt ‘good’ at anything in a long time, I am really enjoying creating this piece – I’m not sure how I found my way here, but I’m glad I did.

What I’m trying to say is this: writing this blog has enabled me to show how I feel, how I really feel. It’s odd seeing these thoughts on screen, rather than scrambled up in my head, but I hope that whoever reads this knows that they are not the only one going through a difficult time. The fact that writing this has made me feel so much better, shows that just the simple act of writing down your thoughts and emotions can feel liberating. It may also help you to remember the things that made you happy once. For me, this is writing in general, but for you it may be different. Try to engage in those activities you love again, without any pressure on yourself, and see how it goes. You might just surprise yourself. 

 

Find out more about eating disorders and how to support someone. You can also find lots of helpful support and advice on the Student Space website.

My name is Nadia and I am a second-year law student. I am sharing my story because I want to help others, and because I want this to be a safe space for students to share how they feel, without judgement. 

I believe that if we support one another, we can become the best version of ourselves. Remember, you matter.

You'll always be my Dad

Luke shares a poem about losing his Dad to suicide. 

- Luke Sullivan

Content warning: this poem discusses suicide and grief. 

 

For more support with your mental health, please visit Student Space. For more information on creative writing for the Student Minds Blog, see sub-editor Hannah's blog. 

My name is Luke Sullivan and I live with an anxiety disorder. I further have lost my Dad to suicide. I would like to share a healthy way of how I channelled my grief of suicide loss into a poem.

Dirty Little Secret: Part 1

There is a lot of stigma around mental health conditions and, in particular, self-harming. Linda attempts to openly and constructively discuss self-harming in a two-part post. In this post, she explores why she self-harms and the perceptions of mental health professionals and peers.

- Linda

As a teenager, I was overly vigilant and ridiculously reactive. I was perpetually scared of most things really - loud noises, confrontations, people, home and school. Despite the constant anxiety, my panic attacks were often sneaky and unexpected. Without realising, my breathing would become shallow. My heart would beat frantically, and my mind would go blank. I dealt with my anxiety the best way I knew how. I was determined to please everyone so that I could avoid arguments. I strategically avoided people. I woke up at 6 am and left my house before my family woke up. I arrived at school super early, hiding away before others turned up to school. During lunch times, I would hide in my form tutors’ office. I’d sit in the dark on the floor, crying or having panic attacks.

It is a sort of chicken and egg situation. I do not know what came first; the perfectionism or the anxiety? When I was anxious, I pushed myself harder and when I fell from grace – as I did so often – I became more anxious. Regardless, both the anxiety and perfectionism were frustrating. I hated myself for being so pathetic. I was angry that stupid things like loud noises would set me off. Why couldn’t I be normal? I was furious at myself for not being good enough. Occasionally, the rage that filled me became so intense that I hurt myself. This was exacerbated when I started university. I had to be loud, bubbly and friendly. I HAD to be thin and appear competent. Naturally, my body struggled to keep up with my frantic mind. My body became faint and malnourished. I was pouring hours and hours into studying but failed to get ‘firsts’. I was trying to be ‘happy’, but the depression was bleating through every day. My all-encompassing anxiety spiralled until my only respite was entertaining my suicidal thoughts. It was all okay – I had a way out from my torments. However, the finality of suicide scared me infinitely more than the darkness of my own mind. Self-harming felt like a good enough compromise. Punishing myself soothed the anxiety a bit. Hurting myself satisfied my frustration and need for destruction. 

“Why are you here?” the mental health nurse asks bluntly. I avoid her gaze, instead fixating on one of the ugly paintings on the wall. Embarrassment rises through my body and I shake slightly. Shakily, I explain “I have issues with self-harming.” I catch the nurse glancing at my unscathed arms. She raises her eyebrows and I stiffen. “Have you got any scars to show me.” “Um… well… no I don’t… hurt myself in that way.” I am certain that for a moment that she seems distinctly unimpressed. However, her face returns to its rocky demeanour and she scribbles something down in her notebook. Half an hour later she tells me that I have no issues that “jump” out. Apparently, I am not unwell enough to deserve any treatment. For the rest of the day, I stay calm. I wasn’t expecting much – I convince myself. I knew that I would be disappointed. Oh well; I had to just get on with things. I collect data for research and laugh with my flatmates in my living room. The second I reach my room; I howl in sheer frustration. I cry ugly and fat tears until I sink to sleep. 

Some people, like my nurse, may think that I am over-reacting or exaggerating. For example, I had a clinical psychologist who told me that I could “just stop.” On the flip side, some people perceive me as extremely vulnerable. Some of my well-meaning peers try to protect me from the dark devastating world. They offer me “solutions” and insist that I call them and discuss my emotions if I feel the urge to hurt myself. I am treated like a fragile porcelain doll. People walk around on eggshells, reluctantly trying not to trigger or upset me. Fortunately, this is not everyone. 

During my first year of University, I saw a mental health coordinator to discuss reasonable adjustments. When she asked me if I self-harmed, I paused. My mental health coordinator broke down self-harming into more detail. I explained that my behaviours didn’t cause much damage or pain. My mental health coordinator was mostly neutral, otherwise encouraging. Similarly, some of my peers reacted the same. For me, this response makes me feel the most comfortable. I appreciate that despite their sadness, there is an acceptance that they cannot make me get better. Therefore, there is no pressure to feign recovery or feel guilty. Additionally, by not shining the limelight on my self-harming, I feel more human. I am smart – if I say so myself. I am creative and hardworking. I am a sister, daughter and friend. I am more than self-harm.

Check out this information about looking after your mental wellbeing at university.

Don't Bury Your Head in the Sand!

Laura talks about her experiences with mental health throughout medical school and the importance of asking for help early.

- Laura Owler

I never thought it would happen to me. Anxiety happens to people who worry. To people who get stressed about every detail. I thought it was more of a personality trait than an illness. I’m not an anxious person, I thought. I always thought people who have depression are negative, lazy and didn’t do enough to help themselves. I didn’t understand. 

I was exposed to suicide at a young age. It blew my mind that people at my school felt that hopeless that they could do that. I saw its effect on a whole community. I thought I would never consider it. But then I got that low. It’s not a selfish decision, in fact it feels selfless, and like you’re a massive burden and it’ll be a relief to everyone. It’s a dark place that is incomprehensible until you’ve been there. I also thought people with mental health difficulties wouldn’t make good doctors. They would never cope in a stressful environment. I went through years of naivety and blissful ignorance. It then crept up on me. 

The first few times when I felt hopeless and hated myself and my life, I used avoidance tactics such as watching endless episodes of comedy, pushing my body to its limits in triathlon training and getting blackout drunk. For a brief period of time it did work. I recovered and it cemented my belief that I wasn’t ill, that I could help myself. Friends encouraged me to talk to someone, but I never did. 

By 4th year, I was very much in denial of my own mental health. I used avoidance tactics all year and it almost worked. Almost. I made excuses: I was just stressed,  everyone was in the same boat. The year was 42 weeks long with lots of emotionally taxing placements and an unrealistic workload. This, alongside a 20% fail rate, made for a real battle with any pre-existing demons, as well as bringing in new demons. I wasn’t coping. I ended the year underweight, exhausted and seriously unwell. I failed my exams,  and I cried all day. I was on holiday, and again buried my feelings and continued like nothing had happened.

When I got back, things were bad. I couldn’t concentrate. I had no self-belief. With resits coming just 1.5 weeks after results, I had no hope. There simply wasn’t time to get the right help. My friends were there for me and eventually I told my parents how awful I was feeling, and my mum came to stay. 

I had to start the next year before knowing results and if I’d be staying. That was hard. I refused to go to the year group photo as I knew I wouldn’t be there for long. I saw the GP for extenuating circumstances, they gave me some medication and waved me away. I agonised over the decision whether or not to take them. In the end I did –  I was desperate, I’d try anything. A good friend recommended a different GP, I saw her and felt super supported. I was referred for CBT on the NHS. I recovered. A mix of settling into a new year, being surrounded by supportive friends and family, therapy and medication helped. But that wasn’t the end. I had a good year. I spent more time with friends, got into a relationship, started to excel on academically and I signed up for an ironman. Because I felt well, I felt like I had to make the most of it. 

Ironman training was hard. Starting 5th year was hard, I went from knowing all the answers to once again feeling overwhelmed. I had also accidentally come off my medication, I kept forgetting to take them and felt I didn’t need them anymore. I moved house, with housemates who weren’t around as much and didn’t know me as well. The ironman didn’t go to plan due to flooding. Multiple things contributed to poor mental health once again.

One night I went to bed early as I was shattered, and I couldn’t sleep. My heart was pounding, and my thoughts were spiralling anxiously. I booked a GP appointment and restarted the medication. The problem with antidepressants is that they can take weeks-months to work and a possible side-effect is worsening  anxiety and/or suicidal thoughts. Great. The next few months were a real battle. I got lower than I’d ever been. I would go to bed at night hoping not to wake up with the awful physical anxiety symptoms and having to go through it all again. 

I started another medication, which helps anxiety and sleep. Eventually, 3 months later I recovered. I had a total of 7 days off placement. For me, being busy distracted the anxiety and was an outlet for the nervous energy. It doesn’t work for everyone, but it worked for me. My medical school tried to push a year out, but wow am I glad I didn’t. I’m proud and grateful to say that I passed my final exams and will start working as a doctor in August. I am pleased I have insight into my condition and know what helps me. I truly believe I now have a lot more empathy and maturity and that it will help and not hinder me in my career.

For information on how to look after your mental health, visit the Student Minds website here. 

My name's Laura, I’m a final year medical student, hoping to eventually become a children’s psychiatrist. Outside of med school I’m very keen on sports - triathlon, cycling and climbing mainly. I am really excited to be a Student Minds press ambassador this year to help share my story and raise awareness of the struggles students are facing.

Coping with Borderline Personality Disorder at University

Charlotte shares her experience of struggling with mental health at university and the support that she has found useful. This blog is for both those who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder and those who may wish to support someone with it or understand it further.

- Charlotte

Experiencing university, and the new relationships it brings, with Borderline Personality Disorder, has been one of the most challenging yet rewarding times in my life so far. I have had some of the best and worst experiences here and learnt not only how extreme the struggles of mental health can be but how much support is available in a university setting. Despite my previous diagnosis of depression and an eating disorder, I wasn't officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder until just before my third year. However, the disorder has been affecting me for my whole life, particularly since I started university. 

Borderline Personality Disorder (now frequently referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) is an emotional regulatory disorder which impacts hugely on personal relationships, individual behaviour and, of course, on mood. It has nine symptoms; however, a person only needs to experience five of the nine to meet the criteria for diagnosis. Due to this, no two people with Borderline Personality Disorder are the same, and I can only speak from my own perspective. I personally experience all nine of the symptoms, however, some are far more problematic and prevalent for me than others. For me, my biggest issues are unstable personal relationships, mood swings and impulsive behaviour. 

In this blog post, I will be focusing on personal relationships. Because of the way that my mind works, I find it extremely easy to become attached to people. I meet certain individuals who I put on a pedestal and become fascinated with. My relationship with them becomes integral to my mood; when things are good with that person everything feels wonderful but if anything happens that I perceive as rejection, my world comes crashing down. This is very difficult at university when you are meeting a lot of new people in a brand-new environment. 

Naturally everyone is looking to make new friends and form new connections, however, the way I form connections is very spontaneous and I can be quite intense. I try to hide this from people but there comes a point where that no longer feels possible. The downside of this is that occasionally I have found it has caused me to lose friendships or put huge amounts of pressure on romantic partners. The fallout of the first attachment I formed at uni was difficult to process and resulted in me taking actions in an attempt to end my life. That was when I realised something had to change. 

My first port of call was my supervisor who was extraordinarily helpful. She expressed her regret at what had happened but also took practical steps to support me with accessing the help I needed, by giving me the option to take time off from university and providing me with contact details for the support team. In the end, I decided to use both options, a short break from my studies assisted me in clearing my head and getting some removal from the situation, and I have returned to the university support services several times throughout my three years. The university counselling offers emergency and booked appointments so is useful in providing consistent support or something more last minute and flexible. 

Without such services and support, I would have struggled to get this far in my degree, and I would strongly encourage anyone who is struggling to take advantage of all support that is available to them. Upon graduating, you may find that accessing support with such short wait times is more difficult than it was at university, so take the first steps to getting help as soon as you can. In such a challenging time which brings a lot of change and pressure, you deserve to be supported.

If you're looking for support, or want to support somebody else, you can find more information here.
More tips on accessing support at University can be found here.

I'm Charlotte and I'm a twenty-four-year-old Theatre student, originally from London. I was first diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder this year however I have been living with it for as long as I can remember. I want to be open about my experiences in the hope that people can either relate to them or learn from them. University is a challenging time, made even more difficult by mental illness but there are ways to make things a little bit easier for yourself.

Every day should be World Mental Health Day

For World Mental Health Day, Emily writes about the importance of starting conversations about mental health every day.

- Emily Maybanks

With World Mental Health Day 2019 upon us, this is a good opportunity to first remind ourselves of the pressures and stresses that students and graduates face every day which can challenge our mental health, and the importance therefore of taking steps to look after ourselves and asking for help when needed. These pressures can include, but are definitely not limited to, coursework, exams, making friends, living and studying independently, financial difficulties, struggles finding work, and/or the stresses of employment. Click here for Student Minds's guidance on managing some of these challenges to look after your mental health. 

World Mental Health Day is marked every year on the 10th October and this year’s theme is especially important as it focuses on suicide and suicide prevention. Across the globe, suicidal thoughts and behaviours are too common. Suicide is the leading cause of death among young people aged 20-34 in the UK, as well as the second leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds globally. BBC EastEnders’s current storyline about young suicide has further highlighted the pressures that young people may face today. 

World Mental Health Day, on the 10th October, is a day where we are encouraged to be more open about mental health, and specifically about the stigma associated with suicide and suicidal thinking. However, World Mental Health Day certainly should not just be limited to one day out of the 365 days in the year. Every day should be a World Mental Health Day. 

Conversations about mental health and about suicide prevention are too few and far between, especially within the workplace. Such conversations can feel awkward and like oversharing or burdening. And, this is exactly why we have to start somewhere. Even something as simple as asking someone if they are really okay if they reply with “I’m fine” when they are visibly not fine, or asking someone if they’d like a cup of a tea and a chat, they may seem like small things but these acts of kindness can really make someone’s day feel a little bit brighter if they are struggling because it shows that someone cares. Conversations can change lives and conversations can save lives. 

Why not make a start this World Mental Health Day and turn every day into a World Mental Health Day?

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, you can contact Papyrus's HOPELINEUK or the Samaritans for support. 

My name is Emily (Em). In 2018, I graduated from Swansea University with my BA degree in Modern Languages, Translation & Interpreting; I was also passionate about and dedicated to Swansea Student Media and the University students’ newspaper – Waterfront. I am now an aspiring MFL or English Teacher and aim to undertake a PGCE course next year. I currently volunteer for Hospital Radio in Reading. I blog for Student Minds because I have experienced mental health issues as a student and also now as a graduate, as well as other health issues, and I support friends who also have mental health difficulties. I am a passionate writer and writing has been important in my mental health experiences – both in helping me to explore and to cope with my mental health, as well as sharing my story in order to help others.

University and First Year Struggles

Meg talks about the struggles that students can face and how to look positively to the future. 

The year was 2011. The season was summer and, boy, was I loving life. A young, fresh-faced 18 year old who had passed their exams and bagged a spot into uni. I’d ticked off a summer holiday with the girls, my 18th birthday and school prom. What a time to be alive! Little did I know how my life would change in the coming months.

Hey, the name’s Meg. Nice to meet you! I’m 25 from South Wales and here’s my story of how my first year of university changed my life.

My amazing summer had come to an end and soon enough I would be moving far away from the South Wales valleys. 3.5hrs on the train to Derby was my new home and as most budding students feel when they leave home, I felt a mix of excitement and fear. I’d been chatting to my future flat mates on a Facebook group and we were all so excited to meet each other! I remember my first day like it was yesterday. I was so nervous. We hugged our families goodbye and there we were, a bunch of awkward girls from different parts of the country about to live together for the next year. Next thing, we are socialising with a building full of people and alcohol was flowing. And here started the student life!

The student life can be a very overwhelming experience for some with so much change happening at a quick pace and that’s certainly how it felt for me. My social life was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. I was partying every week, sometimes every other night and all food and sleep patterns went flying out the window! It was exciting to meet lots of new people but also having to navigate around an unknown city and start a new course was very daunting. For a good few months I was building what I saw at the time as solid bonds with flat mates and constantly socialising but it wasn’t until a few months in did I realise how much it was all catching up to me.

After such a whirlwind couple of weeks, things started to go downhill very rapidly for me which felt like it came out of nowhere. All of a sudden, my emotions became very apparent and feelings of anger and upset constantly ripped through me (mainly whenever alcohol was involved). I was really disliking my uni course and I think I was probably very homesick and didn’t even know it. Nights out started to become very messy and dark and I soon found myself spiralling into a depression and started to self harm. I’d never known anything like this in my world. I’d always been the happy go lucky, positive bunny throughout my life and all of a sudden things were feeling very different. My feelings were constantly masked with partying and socialising and trying to nose dive deep into other people’s problems whilst I was also battling a tormenting habit myself. I was very much in denial and it took a very tragic moment of a thankfully- failed - attempted suicide whilst very intoxicated to snap me out of it.

Looking back now, it all feels like such a blur and I am thankfully not in that frame of mind anymore. It’s been a very long and continuing journey of recovery since those dark days but I am happy to be progressing and feeling stronger and happier. Although times were tough, I managed to push through it and I actually took the right steps to make things better for me by transferring to a university in my hometown and got to complete my degree, eventually earning a 2:1 and winning a student of the year award for my course. Woo go me!

And that’s really what this story is about is to just say, it’s okay and it can get better even at the lowest of points. I never thought I could get through what happened but here I am 7/8 years later, a homeowner and a fully fledged adult!!

First year can be fantastic and exciting and I certainly did have positives during some parts and lots of fun but it is also an overwhelming time and a lot to take on. I think it’s just important to keep an open mind in that good and bad days can happen whilst you’re embarking on your uni journey and if it’s truly not for you then that’s fine but sometimes with a little faith and willpower, you’d be amazed at what you can go on to achieve!

My name is Meg. I am 25 and live in the beautiful Cardiff Bay. I work in events/venue management for a University and am a part time secret singer and music lover. Concerts and musical theatre are my thing and I also enjoy blogging about my life and mental health advocacy. You can check out more of my music stuff on my youtube (www.youtube.com/mwigleysongs) or my blog at https://meganwigley.wordpress.com/.

For more information or support visit: Starting Uni 

Why I decided to shave my head for Mental Health Charities

Amelia shares her journey to making the decision to shave her head for mental health charities.

- Amelia Hartley

I recently created a video, posted on YouTube, sharing my story behind choosing to shave my head on the 3rd December this year to raise money for Student Minds and the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM).

Despite writing about my motivations on my fundraising page and in emails to friends and family, writing and filming a video to be posted online for the world to see was an incredibly daunting process. It took a lot of courage: courage I didn’t know I had. It showed me how far I have come and how much strength I have – we all have so much strength.

I’ve experienced some heightened anxiety over the past couple of months. Tackling a big fundraising goal is £2500 isn’t easy. I’ve had fears of not reaching my target, nobody attending the event, being laughed at or judged once the hair goes, friends not supporting me…the list goes on! However, I have had plenty of individuals express their support and encouragement.

Shaving my head for charity has become so much more than just trying to raise money for the causes. It’s also about showing people that it’s okay to talk about mental health and that recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It’s about reducing the stigma, as we all have mental health and we should all respect it like we do with our physical health. It’s about raising awareness of two amazing charities who are supporting thousands of individuals across the UK and will continue to support thousands more. I never thought I would one day be able to talk openly and honestly about my mental health, but here I am.

I was 14, and living in Sydney, when first diagnosed with depression. I felt like the only person of my friends, year group, even school, who wasn't 'happy' all the time. I thought I shouldn't feel like this because nothing had happened to trigger how I felt. I was looking for an excuse, and hoping that excuse would provide a solution to becoming better.

My methods for feeling better weren't healthy; I was self-harming, drinking and isolating myself. I had suicidal feelings. I started taking anti-depressants but I didn’t want anyone to know, or they'd know that something was wrong with me. I’ve realised now how helpful they are to some people, including myself. I still take them, but I’m not embarrassed or ashamed; having depression isn’t shameful.

In September 2010, my best friend died and my world completely fell apart. This was my first experience of 'suicide'. It was a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and we will never know whatever led him to that point. A life taken at 18: he had so much more to do, and we had so much love and hugs still to give him. Sometimes things are buried so deeply that nobody can help at the crucial moment. I would do anything to bring him back, but since I can’t, I want to try to help fewer men take their own lives. This is why I have chosen the Campaign Against Living Miserably, the male suicide prevention charity, as one of the charities to raise money for. In 2016, 76% of all suicides in the UK were male, and this has been the case since the early 1990s. It is the biggest killer of men under 45. However, CALM prevents over 250 suicides every year. They offer a helpline, website resources, and support, tackle stigma through massive national campaigns and increase the awareness of male suicide rates. Just a £7 donation can pay for a potentially life-saving call, so giving a little can do a lot.

I have personally seen that suicide is preventable – another close friend of mine, who had a suicide attempt, has come far and is alive and well today. I am so thankful he had the right help and support, and am pleased I could support him too.

In 2011, I moved back to England and took the opportunity to improve my academic work and my mental health. Despite lots of ups and downs, I did well in my A levels and went to study Physics at university, excited by the opportunity to continue learning.

Three months before moving to Southampton, from nowhere, I felt a massive dip in my mental health and began drinking and caring very little about myself. Starting university, I didn’t feel in control and was very vulnerable, and then my uncle suddenly passed away over the Christmas holiday. Jon was like a father to me, who I had hoped would be at my graduation and walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I felt like a part of myself had been brutally and abruptly ripped from me. 

I spiralled. I couldn’t concentrate in lectures or sit exams without crying. I didn’t feel I could talk to people; it seemed no one would understand the grief or pain I was experiencing. I couldn’t pretend to be ok and couldn’t be rude, so I isolated myself. Feeling outside of myself, I was watching ‘me’ go through each day without any control. There were times when I couldn’t picture the next 24 hours. I was scared of myself. 

I had to start recovery. University was still the route I thought I was going to be taking, so I stopped drinking and started taking care of myself. I went into second year with a positive frame of mind but my mental health still wasn’t great, even though it had improved.

I found that university was making things worse. Opportunities I’d found in university were the things that were keeping me going such as running a Student Minds peer support group for students experiencing low moods. The programme I was facilitating, and subsequent support network, kept me going through second year and allowed me to leave university knowing I’d made the right decision to drop out. Student Minds saved me – I don’t know where I’d be without them. The mental health of university students would be at a crisis point without the peer support, staff training, campaigns and sector influence that Student Minds offers. This is why I have chosen them as my second charity. Their work is hugely recognised, and it is an honour to now work for the charity.

You can’t always see depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. You don’t always know how much someone is struggling. It doesn’t always show outwardly; they might not talk about it because they’re worried about others’ reactions. If I tell someone that I have clinical depression and anxiety or have experienced suicidal thoughts, they might change how they behave around me or panic. It’s not necessarily an illness with an easy diagnosis and treatment, where people wish you to get well soon and celebrate your recovery. Mental health difficulties and suicide affect millions of individuals across the UK. For that, I will do my bit by shaving my head and raising as much money as I possibly can for the Campaign Against Living Miserably and Student Minds.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, please donate if you can, please share this as much as possible. We can all share our stories and they can have more impact than we ever imagine.

Fundraising page: https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/ameliagoesbald

Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/h7JCdp0QkpI

Hi, I'm Amelia and I am the Training Programmes Manager at Student Minds. I previously volunteered for the charity, and love now being part of the staff team. I've had lots of ups and downs over the years, but have found Oxford a beautiful place to live and work, and the countryside certainly helps my mood! We all have mental health, let's keep fighting the stigma.

Losing Someone to Suicide

Erin discusses the difficulties in coming to terms with death, and how to cope with a loved one taking their own life.                                                                                   - Erin Cadden

Losing any family member or friend is difficult. Dealing with grief is the hardest thing you’ll have to face with in life. But losing someone to suicide - this can be even more heart destroying. 

People say that those who take their own life are selfish. The people saying this are naïve in thinking that it was the individual’s choice to make this life-ending decision. Mental illness controls your brain and your thoughts – thoughts so consuming and loud that sometimes you lose track of the fact it’s not you talking, but your mind.

I was 8 years old. It was 2006 and my Dad was only 40. I remember coming home from a sleepover with a close family member and entering the living room to my mum in tears. As an 8-year-old you don’t think losing a parent is something you’ll have to experience. In fact, at this age it’s something you can’t even mentally process. How is anyone this young meant to understand that someone who was supposed to love you so much has taken their own life? How are you meant to understand that you’ll never again get the opportunity to hear their laugh, to feel their hugs or see their face? It was, and still is, soul destroying.

The movement of tectonic plates could not compare to the shift in reality that had happened for myself and my family that day. We not only had to mourn the reality that we had lost the most important man in our lives, but we had to come to terms with how it happened. I’m now 19 years old, and if I’m completely honest, I still don’t fully understand the passing of my father. 

In cycles, I went through the different stages of grief. To this day I still do, trying to come to terms with the fact my father left us. Some days, I get angry. I blame him for it all, blame him for ending his life, for leaving my family, and for making us have to live life without him. Sometimes I just feel sad and empty. Sad about the fact that I never really got to know him. About the fact he will never watch my sisters and I grow up or walk us down the aisle. 

But sometimes I’m happy knowing that I experienced him, even if it was for a very small amount of time in my early childhood. I’m happy to remember the small memories I shared with him, and I’m happy to know that wherever he is, he’s no longer suffering. There’s a massive hole in our heart that will never be filled by anyone. Dads are one of a kind. But my Dad was someone incredibly special.

My father’s death raises a lot of anxiety for myself. You can’t blame people with mental illness for taking their own lives, because it’s not themselves that make the decision, but the illness itself. The fact I now suffer with mental illness means I can empathise, and go some way to understanding what drove my dad to do what he did. It wasn’t his fault. The darkness just overcame him.

Those who take their own lives don’t make that decision themselves. Don’t blame the person, but the illness. You can’t take anything for granted. You can’t know what’s going to happen in a year, month or even hour. All you can do is live life to the fullest, loving and being loved.