While dealing with the most complex experience: grief

Dhriti talks about the activities that support her in dealing with grief.

- Dhriti

In July 2023, my world came crashing down when I lost my 18-year-old cousin. She was my companion in joyous moments, the person I celebrated birthdays, festivals, and family gatherings with. Our bond may not have been the closest, but it was undeniably special to the both of us. 

As I prepared to move to the UK in September 2023 for a master's degree in Marketing and Brand Management, my family and I were excited about the upcoming journey. She, too, shared in the excitement, making plans for outings and dinners before my departure. Unfortunately, fate took an unexpected turn, and we didn't realize she would be the one leaving us so soon, and it turned out to be forever. Moving abroad felt like an exciting journey before, but after this heart-wrenching loss, the idea of moving away from family took on a disheartening tone. The excitement of new opportunities was overshadowed by the difficulty of being away from the support of loved ones during this tough period. And little did I know that grief would take control of my emotions in unpredictable ways. 

Shortly after this heart-wrenching loss, I started a new chapter of my life by moving to the UK to pursue a master’s degree. Little did I know that grief would take control of my emotions in unpredictable directions. People often say, "Time heals everything," but my pain hasn’t eased or soothed by the months that have passed. For me, I’m still struggling with the pangs of grief - like those unpredictable waves that suddenly spring to the shore and wipe you off your feet when tentatively paddling at the sand. The bittersweet experience of scrolling through Instagram hits me when I come across a relatable reel that prompts me to share it with my favourite cousin, only to realize she's no longer here. The ache in my heart intensifies during celebrations, especially birthdays, serving as vivid reminders of her absence. In this journey of grief, I have discovered a few ways to help me cope and gradually find my way back to normal day-to-day life. Here are some practices that might resonate with others navigating their own grief: 

Talk to family: Share your feelings with your family. 

If the lost one is a family member, your family might well be feeling the same pain that you are. They might understand and can support you through tough times. Sharing everyday details and engaging in light conversations with my family have proven to be crucial in navigating this painful journey. Even though we have virtual interactions, they understand and provide the support I need to survive during these tough times.

Quality time with friends: Spend time with friends. 

They can be a source of comfort and distraction. Spending time with friends has been a comforting way for me to cope during tough times. Whether we go for a walk, share a meal, or enjoy common hobbies, these shared experiences lighten the emotional load. My friends provide much-needed emotional support, making me feel less alone in dealing with grief. Making new friends who truly care has created a supportive environment where I feel understood and accepted, which has made a significant difference for me.

Self-Care Rituals: Do things that make you feel good

A bath, meditation, or just some quiet time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and comfort—whether it's a relaxing bath, meditation, or simply some quiet time. Personally, writing has been therapeutic, helping me ease pain and release emotional burdens. Additionally, activities like cooking, reading, listening to music, going on walks, or even taking a nap have proven beneficial in supporting my well-being. Explore various options to discover what works best for you during challenging times.

Exploring new activities

Trying something new can be a good distraction. It shifts your focus and helps you grow.  Going for walks helps clear your mind. Nature has a way of calming your emotions. For me, participating in writing competitions, volunteering, and attending various university workshops have proven essential for both distraction and personal enrichment. These activities not only provide a much-needed break from difficulties but also offer valuable opportunities for individual growth and development.

Reminiscing and Honouring Memories: Think about the happy moments you shared

For some, especially during a recent loss, it can be extremely difficult to reflect on the life of someone who is no longer with us. However, to others, it can keep their memory alive in your heart. Photos are a great way to look back on the times you shared with others, and doing this with others allows you to share wonderful stories along the way. What I have learnt so far is that there's no need to rush the grieving process so this might be something you feel you want to revisit at a much later time. As the grieving process continues, remembering the good times allows us to move beyond our final memories of the loss of a person but to celebrate their life instead. 

Remember, this is a personal process and everyone grieves in a unique way. Take it one day at a time, acknowledge your emotions, and seek help if need be. Just remember, healing may be gradual, but you'll find your way back to the light. 

Whether you are looking for support for your own mental health at university or supporting a friend, help is available.

I'm an international student pursuing my Masters in Marketing and Brand Management at Nottingham Trent University. I'm sharing my grief journey to support others dealing with loss and the challenges of studying abroad, offering comfort and strength.

Grief from a distance

Emily shares her recent experiences of loss and shares some tips that have helped her through this difficult time. 

- Emily Thorpe

A few weeks ago, I lost my Nan to dementia. I understand that my situation is not unique, and that loss is experienced by everyone. Sometimes unexpectedly; sometimes losing someone stretches out over a long period of time. Both hurt profoundly. 

Two months ago, I embarked on a year abroad to teach English in Spain. When I said a temporary goodbye to the UK, I didn’t think that would have meant saying a final goodbye to my Nan. 

Losing someone very close to me while working abroad has been incredibly challenging. I decided to stay in Spain rather than return home, which meant finding a different way to grieve. Grieving at a distance has been difficult, as it has been also loaded with feelings of guilt and isolation from family and friends. 

I wanted to share some tips for others who may be facing a similar situation. Although grief is personal, I found the below ways helpful in my journey of coming to terms with the death of my Nan. 

1. Talk to the people who surround you

I have met so many incredible people while I’ve been abroad. The teachers at school, other language assistants and even my landlady have all formed a really strong support network. Seeking support from the individuals in my life now has enabled me to talk through my emotions to process my grief whilst also reducing feelings of isolation. My chosen family have been holding my hand throughout my grief process. 

2. Maintain regular contact with home

Technology has been my best friend over the past few weeks. I have been able to remain in contact with my friends and family during this period which has been so helpful to both share our grief as a family whilst enabling me to feel more involved with ways to remember my Nan. On the point of technology, sometimes it is possible for funerals to be live-streamed too. It may be worth enquiring if this is a possibility if you are unable to return home for the funeral. 

3. It’s okay to take time off. Equally, it’s okay to carry on working. 

It is okay to feel like you need to take a step back from your life abroad. Some evenings, I practised self-care by listening to music in my flat and painting my nails. This was something that I loved to do with my Nan. However, I have still continued to teach in my school over the past few weeks. Do what makes you feel comfortable. It doesn’t matter if some people believe you should be doing one thing rather than another. Grief is personal.

4. Create your own memorial 

As I was unable to attend the funeral, I have created my own ways to remember my Nan. I was fortunate enough to be gifted one of her bracelets for my 21st birthday from my Grandad which I wear every day. Wearing this piece of jewellery has helped me to feel a little bit closer to both my Nan and my family. I have also created an album of photographs on my phone to remind me of all the lovely memories that I have of my Nan. Creating your own memorial for the person you have lost can allow you to feel just that little bit closer to home. 

For National Grief Awareness Week 2023, I wanted to share that it is important to remember that grief is personal to you. Don’t let others tell you how you should be grieving. I decided to stay in Spain and find my own ways to come to terms with the death of my Nan. Nobody should judge you for taking some time off to return home to grieve. Equally, nobody should judge you for grieving from a distance.

Whether you are looking for support for your own mental health at university or supporting a friend, help is available. 

I'm Emily, a third-year History and Spanish undergraduate at Durham University currently on a year abroad in Galicia, Spain. After struggling with various aspects of my mental health whilst in my first year at university and watching close friends struggle too, I've become particularly aware of the stigma surrounding student mental health. I believe that far too many students suffer in silence for too long, so I'm really excited to be part of a community that encourages students to have open conversations about mental health. I hope my work with Student Minds can help facilitate these conversations so that students know they are never alone.

Finding my way back: returning to university (part two)

This is part two of Natasha's experience with coping with mental health at university. To read part one, where Natasha discusses dropping out of university and dealing with grief, click here.

- Natasha

Unlike before, I no longer had education to throw myself into, so I found a job that was a 30-minute drive away, with hours from 10am-10pm five days a week. And it helped to a degree – it forced me out of myself, and I learned to communicate with people again. It was not until the pandemic hit in March 2020 and I was furloughed, that I realised I had nothing other to do than talk about my feelings. I found someone professional and over a year later I still speak to her regularly. 

Lockdown brought its own challenges. I was separated from my family and my boyfriend, but it also gave me time that I had never had before. I read for pleasure for the first time in years and I did an online course on Mental Health as I wanted to understand what was happening to my brain. Plus, I missed learning. My goal was to return to university and finish my degree. I worked so hard to get there and felt I needed to prove it to myself. My mum always described me as having a core of steel; I never believed her, but I knew returning to university might prove that I was worthy of the compliment.

September 2020 came around, almost a year since I dropped out and I was returning for my second attempt at Second Year. But it was not how I planned; I signed a contract to rent a studio back in February because I knew living with strangers would be too much for me. However, COVID completely reshaped what the university experience was going to be. One week before leaving home I was told my degree was online. I felt like all my hard work was wasted. COVID was stopping me from meeting ‘my people’. 

I remember reading for my first seminar and all I could think was ‘how on earth did I manage this?’. No wonder I crashed so hard. It was soon time for me to submit my first essay and I was frantic. I had always measured my worth on my academic achievements, but this was something I did not worked on in therapy. My results came in and I got a high 2:1, only a few marks off a 1st and I was disappointed. My perfectionism was still a very big part of me. However, this time, I took a step back and thought “actually, I just did that after a year out, that is pretty cool!”. I started to believe I had it in me. I knew that my mind would cause me to doubt myself, but I realised that I did not always need to listen to it.
 

I decided to apply for placements. My dream was always to do a year abroad, but that could not be guaranteed because of COVID so I decided on a placement. I wrote application after application, and completed so many aptitude tests. I still remember receiving my first email offering an interview – I ran down the stairs and just screamed to my mum! I could not believe a company wanted to meet me. The night before my first interview I could not stop panicking, I felt like a fraud because I did not include my year out of university on my CV or Cover Letter. I was terrified of being rejected once I explained the gap in my CV. In the end, the interview was not successful, as they asked about the gap and I lied. I tried to present as someone else, someone I did not recognise at all. Safe to say I was not offered the job.

A second interview request came through and for the first two minutes I was overjoyed, then the doubt set in, and I was terrified. To my horror it was not only an interview: I had to give a 15-minute presentation to approximately 15 people (not what I was expecting). I made the presentation and the night before I practiced on my mum, but could not get past the introduction. I broke down and refused to do the interview, I was going to back out. I thought the company was going to think “What a waste of our time” and “was there a mistake? Did we send the email to the wrong person?”. 

The next morning I knew I would regret not trying, so I did the presentation and interview. They asked what my biggest personal achievement was and in a split second I decided not to lie. I told them. I told them that my biggest achievement was realising I needed to leave university and get help, and that my second biggest achievement was returning. Two hours later they offered me the job and my response was, “Me? Why? Are you sure?”.

Last month I finished my second year. Finding the motivation to complete the work has been painfully difficult, especially as COVID meant there was no respite, no chance to relax and escape. But I did it. It took me two years, but I finally completed second year and got offered an incredible placement opportunity. Now (some of the time) I believe my mum when she says I have a core of steel. 

Do not get me wrong, I still have periods where I struggle. Days where my depression takes over and I sleep the day away, but now I am better equipped to deal with it. Some days I wake up and think, “no, I need the day to myself, that job and assignment will have to wait”. Instead of the 4 years I thought it would take to complete my degree, it will take me 5. That was a thought I hated when I first left university. But now I just think, “what is the rush?”. This is my life; it does not have to be on the same timescale as the people I went to school with.

To those students struggling, who feel alone and trapped in their mind, I want to say that your mental health does not have to stop you from being who you want to be. Sometimes it can even make you a better version of yourself. It just means that you are unique and that is nothing to be ashamed of. It has taken me 18 months to acknowledge that, and writing this blog to truly help me realise it.

Click here for help with your mental health, whether related to University or not. You can also get advice on applying for jobs on Student Space.

 

Hi, I’m Natasha, an undergraduate studying History at the University of Southampton. I have struggled with knowing where I fit in the world and what brings me joy, but since embracing my mental health struggles I have discovered that I love to read (mainly historical fiction), draw and talk honestly about mental health.

Understanding my mental health: Leaving university (part one)

This is part one of Natasha's experience with coping with mental health at university. After a year, Natasha realised she needed to leave university to understand how to live with her mental health struggles.

- Natasha

 

In October 2019 I did something I never thought that I would do - I dropped out of university. Up to that point I was driven by education, I lived and breathed it, probably too much. I had always wanted to go to university; it did not matter what degree I did, as long as I got there. Then here I was dropping out and thinking I failed, thinking, “how did I let this happen?”. I have lived with depression probably since I was 13 years old, although I did not understand what depression was until I was 15 years old, and a GP did not prescribe any anti-depressants until I was about 17 years old. I always asked myself: “What is wrong with me?”. My first year of university was probably the period where I asked myself that question the most, I would guess about 5 times a day. What is wrong with me? Why do I not fit in? Why can’t I open my door? Why can’t I stand the taste of alcohol? Why do nightclubs induce panic attacks? Why does socialising with my flatmates in the kitchen exhaust me? What is wrong with me? 

 

I worked so hard. University was going to be my big fresh start – meet ‘my people’ and live. So why couldn’t I do it? I got onto the course I loved, but I hated university. Again, the thought of ‘what is wrong with me?’ ran through my head. The stereotypical freshers drink, party, make lifelong friends and repeat. But this was not my experience and I only recently discovered that very few students actually experience university that way. My experience consisted of isolation, increased anxiety, and grief. In December 2018 I lost one of the most important people to me, my grandad. Peter Smith. We shared so much. I got my love of education from him. Despite the odds, he was the only one in his family to get into Grammar School and he went on to tutor those who struggled, including me. My family descended on my grandparent’s home for six weeks and we all cared for him, so when it was time to leave that bubble I did not recognise a world without him, or know how to navigate it. I had never experienced grief, so I dealt with it by putting all my energy into university and I got my first ever ‘1st’. A few months after I was about to do something pretty major for me: I was going on a trip to Krakow with people from my course. Major! Five days of socialising all day and night (nightclubs were on the itinerary) with nowhere for me to escape to and breathe. But suddenly it felt like Fate intervened; I was involved in a minor car accident and developed concussion and whiplash which meant bye-bye Krakow. Goodbye to my chance to actually experience university for what I felt was the first time. 

 

My depression was the worst it had been and this time my body physically reacted to it. My body started to reject food and two years later I still cannot eat a Dairy Milk bar without my body hating me. I dreaded the idea of returning to university. I was not sure about the house I had agreed to live in (with six others), and so far university was not working for me. But I would not let myself quit. I got to a place so many people fought for, and an opportunity not available to all. I had to be grateful, I could not waste it. I could not be ungrateful for the opportunity I had. I had lived with depression and anxiety for years and still managed to function, so I felt this would be no different. I moved into the house and the isolation set in. In a house of six people I had never felt so alone. I could not bear going to lectures or seminars, I turned off my lights and pretended I was going to socials. I got a job to avoid being in the house, but I actually only managed three shifts and had panic attacks before and after. Every night I either called, my mum, sister, or my boyfriend – for the first time I was scared of my depression. It had never controlled me like this. For the first time my depression and anxiety was crippling me. Three weeks into my second year myself, my family and the university realised it was not safe for me to stay, so I gave in (or that is what it felt like) to my mental health and left within the space of three days. I slept for the next two months and refused to go to therapy. I simply was not ready. I hid at home and told no one that I had suspended my degree, I was so ashamed of my ‘failure’. I had no idea how to navigate or understand my mental health. How do you address something you have tried to ignore for years?

Click here for help with your mental health, whether related to University or not. You can also learn more about loss and how you can support yourself through it on Student Space.

Hi, I’m Natasha, an undergraduate studying History at the University of Southampton. I have struggled with knowing where I fit in the world and what brings me joy, but since embracing my mental health struggles I have discovered that I love to read (mainly historical fiction), draw and talk honestly about mental health.

‘Love you all the world’ - Dealing with losing a parent

*Trigger warning* This blog talks about grief and discusses suicide which we understand can be upsetting.

Lucy shares how she dealt with losing her Mum nearly 12 months on from her death.

- Lucy Moore 

April 2020 will always be a time that haunts me, and I will forever dread April that comes around for the rest of my life. This was the time I lost my beautiful Mum when she took her life. Although I was so incredibly angry and hurt at first, this nearly past year I’ve learnt to accept my emotions and change that anger into a more deep-rooted love for my Mum. 

Mum was known for her infectious laugh and her biggest grin that could light up any room! She’d give the biggest hugs which would leave you flushing; she’d always squeeze your hand so tightly when she knew you were upset or struggling, and then remind you how she ‘love[d] you all the world’. 

Mine and my siblings' lives were thrown upside down and all around: a new environment to live in, new routines, having to explain to people what had happened. We waited nearly two months for the funeral because of the backlog from coronavirus. I was certain that I would read her eulogy out. The day of the funeral came, and even though I was there in a pit of tears, makeup everywhere, I made sure I got up and read it – for my Mum, for my brother and sister, for my family and also for me. It’s one of my proudest moments. 

The months processing my grief were hard and turbulent. After almost a year has passed, I am in no way saying I have processed all my grief and I am in wonderful mental health space. Fortunately, at the hands and thanks to my old secondary school, I was encouraged and guided to engage in counselling to deal with and process my emotions. At first, I was very sceptical and thought, very stubbornly, that I could resolve it all in my head. But the more I held it in, the more stressed, anxious and upset I became: I was suffering from severe tension headaches to the point I would end up in A&E; I stayed up nights after nights worrying about what the future held. 

I am so glad I was proven wrong about counselling – it was so relieving having someone to speak to about how I was feeling authentically and in a raw setting. I didn’t feel judged and was able to open my mind more to why I was feeling what I was and also why my Mum could have been feeling the way she was. I also had the best support from the people around me who were always there to listen to me and comfort me when I was having a bad day. 

To get through the last few months I began to make a conscious effort to move my life forward and avoid sticking in a rut: planning my day out, throwing myself into university work, speaking to those closest to me when I was struggling, going out for walks, and finding new hobbies and interests to occupy my mind. On the days I didn’t feel like ‘me’, I would remind myself that this is not what my Mum would have wanted. She wouldn’t want me upset – she’d want me to be happy. 

Over the last 11 months, my proudest moment has to be when I raised £1365 for Mind from doing a 15k walk in honour of my Mum. For someone who hated PE and would turn up to lessons hoping the 60 minutes would fly by, this was a huge challenge! However, I knew it was something I wanted to do and something my Mum would’ve laughed at me for – for being the least athletic person going – but also would’ve been proud of. My social media were plastered for weeks with my JustGiving page as I was determined to raise as much as I could. I will always feel incredibly proud of myself for accomplishing the walk and for raising the amount of fund that I did. I hope to engage more in fundraising this year to keep raising awareness around Mental Health. 

When losing a parent or any loved ones, to any circumstance, people often tell you it gets easier; for me at the moment, I can’t say it has – but I’ve learnt to live with it. It is an irreversible and unchangeable chapter of my life, but I can let it make me not break me. Processing the loss and grief has helped me understand and emphasise with others more.

Your feelings, no matter what, is always valid when it comes to grief. You just have to remind yourself that you were and always are loved and that those lost too are always loved. 

I will always ‘love you all the world’ Mum.

To learn more about how you can support yourself through loss, you can find more Student Minds resources at Student Space. If you are seeking support, other organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Care,  Hope Again and Let's Talk about Loss are there to help.

Hi, I'm Lucy, a 20-year-old from London who wants to help raise awareness around Mental Health. After losing my Mum last year, I want people to see there is life throughout and beyond grief.

You'll always be my Dad

Luke shares a poem about losing his Dad to suicide. 

- Luke Sullivan

Content warning: this poem discusses suicide and grief. 

 

For more support with your mental health, please visit Student Space. For more information on creative writing for the Student Minds Blog, see sub-editor Hannah's blog. 

My name is Luke Sullivan and I live with an anxiety disorder. I further have lost my Dad to suicide. I would like to share a healthy way of how I channelled my grief of suicide loss into a poem.

Dealing with grief and being overwhelmed during University

Candice shares her experience about coping with challenges such as being overwhelmed and grieving during her university experience.

- Candice Williams

Navigating university is an, at times, overwhelming experience. But attending university virtually, as a result of a pandemic, is an altogether different affair. For my undergraduate program, I completed my degree face-to-face. But my master’s degree, begun in September 2019, was accomplished mainly from the comfort of my own home. Starting a University course, whether it be an undergraduate or masters programme, is hard enough but was made even harder when I received some bad news. Two days before the course began, my grandmother passed away. I was heartbroken. Her passing was sudden, and my family and I were in a state of shock. Although it wasn’t the best start to my master’s degree, I only missed a couple of lectures and managed to stay on top of my assignments and workload.

Besides being a full-time student, I was also working two jobs, completing a placement (as part of my university course) and volunteering. I had a lot on my plate, and at times, I felt very overwhelmed. Just when I thought I had everything balanced, the pandemic hit. I lost both of my jobs, my placement and volunteering work was stopped, and university moved online. It was an adjustment period, but it made me realise that I was using being busy to distract myself and sweep things under the rug. In hindsight, I needed that downtime. I needed that time at home to work on me, to focus on the things I needed to work on and get the help necessary to improve my quality of life. And I did just that. I plucked up the courage and asked for help. I received several cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) sessions, and am grateful for what I learned along the way. In the future, I aim to provide advice to students to enhance their university experience and protect their overall wellbeing. I find the following ways essential for coping with grief and workload during university:

1)    Talk to your tutor

Your tutor is a person you can confide in, someone who may have been in the same position as you. My tutor was a past student, so he understood how I felt about assignments and university pressure. As I was grieving, I thought that I needed to take a break and was able to talk to my tutor about extending my deadlines and possibly deferring for a year if I needed to.

2)    Talk to your friends

Having a support group is so important. Talking to your friends is a great way to relieve stress and get things off your chest.

3)    Having a self-care routine

Self-care is doing things that make you feel good! That could be having a bath, eating some great food, or even watching a movie in bed! Catering to our wellbeing is necessary. It boosts our mood and makes us feel better, especially if we have been feeling low.

4)    Write a schedule

Having time to complete your assignments and attending your lectures/seminar groups is essential. Having a plan will help you see when your deadlines are and identify when you have free time to practice self-care.

5)    Have a study group

If you need extra support with your assignments, or would like to get a different perspective, you can form a study group. Remember, your classmates are in a similar position to you! You could even create a WhatsApp group to discuss assignments and lecture notes.

6)    Revise as if you have a face-to-face exam

Regarding online exams, I found that it helps to revise a bit to understand the concepts that may be mentioned in the exam. When my face-to-face exams were transferred online, I had already started revising, so felt less stressed about this new form of examination. I would recommend organising both your ‘lecture’ and ‘further reading’ notes. Having notes helped me tremendously, as I knew where to find the answers to the questions!

7)    Have something to look forward to

Being bogged down with work can be stressful. It is crucial to complete your assignments, but it is also vital to have something to look forward to. For example, if you have completed a project, you should congratulate yourself and do something to celebrate. Of course, we need to abide by government restrictions, but we can still celebrate at home! When I finished my dissertation, I binge-watched my favourite shows! I had worked hard, so I felt it necessary to take a few days of downtime to chill and relax.

All in all, I enjoyed my university experience. Reaching out for help during my grief showed me that I don’t have to suffer in silence and gave me the tools to cope with my assignments. Now I know the importance of self-care, I have incorporated it into my daily routine - I hope you do the same too!

Learn more about loss, and how you can support yourself through it on Student Space.

 

Hello, my name is Candice and I recently completed my Masters in mental health: Psychological Therapies. I am sharing my story in order to give students advice on hope to navigate university, manage their wellbeing as well as being the best student they can be.