Letter to Boyfriend

AL's poem shows the struggle with intimacy, communication and relationships when dealing with mental health problems, as well as the journey towards healing.

- AL

Inspired by Emily Berry’s ‘Letter to Husband’

 

Dear boyfriend            Dearest, much-loved boyfriend          Adored,

treasured, role-perfect boyfriend        Over-the-screen,

once-a-month boyfriend         Unbelievable dream I try too hard

to grasp           Dear boyfriend always missed           boyfriend’s sweater always

worn                away for one month, next it will be two         Dear boyfriend

please reply                 On some hidden nights           There are nights solitude drowns and

drowning in moonlight like a                         desperate, greedy thing

I want              and want more            This body will never be

Dear Tinder                 Dear random white men at the bar     Dear

God, please believe                 I love               you, I               do

 

Dear                Dear beloved               loving is a hard thing

Like happiness            I didn’t                        I don’t know, no one ever told me

what to do       I am losing      I can’t lose you

 

Dear, dear boyfriend               Dear lover, dear my always                Dear gentleness

too unselfish for your own good                     Dear hazes of crying and blind phone calls

Thank you for letting me        Never again                 I’m not the one

who should be crying             Dear open wound        pink like the pasta you make

Dear boyfriend, I am in therapy                     Dear boyfriend, I am getting better

at making your favourite cheese cake                        only slightly burnt, tender as me

Dear warm pumpkin-spiced-latte recently-cut hair                Dear bruised knuckles

and sweaty hands        Dear gap-toothed smile          Dear raised brow and that

wink                Dear great grounding weight              Dear murmuring sleep and rest

of my life boyfriend                Dear delayed trains and distance I am

overcoming to find you again             Dear boyfriend, I love you     I do

Whether you are looking for support for your own mental health at university or supporting a friend, help is available.

Swapping self-harm for poetry

*Trigger warning: this blog post discusses self-harm*

Angela shares some of her poetry on the topic of self-harm.

- Angela

Self harm has been a part of my life for over a decade, it’s something that often those around me can’t understand. Over the years I’ve taken to poetry to try to explain this addiction in ways that maybe someone may grasp. I spent a lot of that decade feeling alone in my behaviour and feelings. Writing has been helpful to my recovery as it’s helped me find words for things I was never given a vocabulary for. I guess I’m sharing it here in the hope that if you read this and also understand then you will know you aren’t alone.

Poem 1:

Our memories 

are just thoughts in 

a lifetime freezer, 

some burn when you 

try to dig them 

out of the corners 

covered in white ice,

but you still hold them 

tight in your bare hands 

until they are red raw.

Because then which hurts more, 

the memory or the ice? 

Poem 2:

My scars are not yours to stare at, 

they are signs of a Sahara desert 

that ran so dry for so long

that I had to dig deep to find signs of life.

That dry land can crack, down to its hollow core 

and it isn't water that pours out. 

The cracks go on for miles and miles 

across a skin I call home. 

Eventually the rains come 

but nothing can erase the trails 

of a drought that once lived within.

For support or more information on self-harm please visit Student Space. 

My name is Angela, I’m a languages graduate, Registrar and mental health campaigner. I like to start up honest conversations about mental health. 

Binge Eat, Sleep For The Entire Day & Repeat

Nadia shares her story of how her depression has worsened due to university stress and wants to share her story to show anyone suffering that they are not the only one.

- Nadia
 

*Trigger Warning: Discussions of suicide, binge-eating and self-blame.*

 

Facing the day

I wake up, once again, with a horrible headache, despite having slept for an entire day. This feels odd, as I have been battling insomnia for the past two months. Starting the day is often difficult for me as I struggle with negative thoughts about my body and with feeling ugly and worthless. This can cause me to avoid completing University work, and can lead me into a downward spiral of binge-eating. It is difficult to get out of this routine, but I have been to my doctor and have started taking medication, which takes a while to kick in. I am hoping this will prevent the suicidal tendencies I experience in my lowest moments. I’m also hoping it will improve my overall mood; I sometimes feel like I am wasting my life not doing anything – failing University, jobless, and feeling like a constant disappointment. Although I have great friends, I don’t want to burden them with how I’m feeling, but I am so bored and tired of being like this all the time. Writing this blog piece has been a turning point, a reminder that however I’m feeling now, things can get better.

You have gotten through bad times before

I know that I have felt like this before, but have been able to improve and get well. So, I want this blog piece to be a reminder to myself, and to all of you readers, that even when things seem terrible there is always a way forward. For some reason, writing this blog piece makes me feel that I can breathe a bit better. I’d forgotten how much I loved writing, how natural and right it feels for me to express myself in words. Having not felt ‘good’ at anything in a long time, I am really enjoying creating this piece – I’m not sure how I found my way here, but I’m glad I did.

What I’m trying to say is this: writing this blog has enabled me to show how I feel, how I really feel. It’s odd seeing these thoughts on screen, rather than scrambled up in my head, but I hope that whoever reads this knows that they are not the only one going through a difficult time. The fact that writing this has made me feel so much better, shows that just the simple act of writing down your thoughts and emotions can feel liberating. It may also help you to remember the things that made you happy once. For me, this is writing in general, but for you it may be different. Try to engage in those activities you love again, without any pressure on yourself, and see how it goes. You might just surprise yourself. 

 

Find out more about eating disorders and how to support someone. You can also find lots of helpful support and advice on the Student Space website.

My name is Nadia and I am a second-year law student. I am sharing my story because I want to help others, and because I want this to be a safe space for students to share how they feel, without judgement. 

I believe that if we support one another, we can become the best version of ourselves. Remember, you matter.

Dirty Little Secret: Part 1

There is a lot of stigma around mental health conditions and, in particular, self-harming. Linda attempts to openly and constructively discuss self-harming in a two-part post. In this post, she explores why she self-harms and the perceptions of mental health professionals and peers.

- Linda

As a teenager, I was overly vigilant and ridiculously reactive. I was perpetually scared of most things really - loud noises, confrontations, people, home and school. Despite the constant anxiety, my panic attacks were often sneaky and unexpected. Without realising, my breathing would become shallow. My heart would beat frantically, and my mind would go blank. I dealt with my anxiety the best way I knew how. I was determined to please everyone so that I could avoid arguments. I strategically avoided people. I woke up at 6 am and left my house before my family woke up. I arrived at school super early, hiding away before others turned up to school. During lunch times, I would hide in my form tutors’ office. I’d sit in the dark on the floor, crying or having panic attacks.

It is a sort of chicken and egg situation. I do not know what came first; the perfectionism or the anxiety? When I was anxious, I pushed myself harder and when I fell from grace – as I did so often – I became more anxious. Regardless, both the anxiety and perfectionism were frustrating. I hated myself for being so pathetic. I was angry that stupid things like loud noises would set me off. Why couldn’t I be normal? I was furious at myself for not being good enough. Occasionally, the rage that filled me became so intense that I hurt myself. This was exacerbated when I started university. I had to be loud, bubbly and friendly. I HAD to be thin and appear competent. Naturally, my body struggled to keep up with my frantic mind. My body became faint and malnourished. I was pouring hours and hours into studying but failed to get ‘firsts’. I was trying to be ‘happy’, but the depression was bleating through every day. My all-encompassing anxiety spiralled until my only respite was entertaining my suicidal thoughts. It was all okay – I had a way out from my torments. However, the finality of suicide scared me infinitely more than the darkness of my own mind. Self-harming felt like a good enough compromise. Punishing myself soothed the anxiety a bit. Hurting myself satisfied my frustration and need for destruction. 

“Why are you here?” the mental health nurse asks bluntly. I avoid her gaze, instead fixating on one of the ugly paintings on the wall. Embarrassment rises through my body and I shake slightly. Shakily, I explain “I have issues with self-harming.” I catch the nurse glancing at my unscathed arms. She raises her eyebrows and I stiffen. “Have you got any scars to show me.” “Um… well… no I don’t… hurt myself in that way.” I am certain that for a moment that she seems distinctly unimpressed. However, her face returns to its rocky demeanour and she scribbles something down in her notebook. Half an hour later she tells me that I have no issues that “jump” out. Apparently, I am not unwell enough to deserve any treatment. For the rest of the day, I stay calm. I wasn’t expecting much – I convince myself. I knew that I would be disappointed. Oh well; I had to just get on with things. I collect data for research and laugh with my flatmates in my living room. The second I reach my room; I howl in sheer frustration. I cry ugly and fat tears until I sink to sleep. 

Some people, like my nurse, may think that I am over-reacting or exaggerating. For example, I had a clinical psychologist who told me that I could “just stop.” On the flip side, some people perceive me as extremely vulnerable. Some of my well-meaning peers try to protect me from the dark devastating world. They offer me “solutions” and insist that I call them and discuss my emotions if I feel the urge to hurt myself. I am treated like a fragile porcelain doll. People walk around on eggshells, reluctantly trying not to trigger or upset me. Fortunately, this is not everyone. 

During my first year of University, I saw a mental health coordinator to discuss reasonable adjustments. When she asked me if I self-harmed, I paused. My mental health coordinator broke down self-harming into more detail. I explained that my behaviours didn’t cause much damage or pain. My mental health coordinator was mostly neutral, otherwise encouraging. Similarly, some of my peers reacted the same. For me, this response makes me feel the most comfortable. I appreciate that despite their sadness, there is an acceptance that they cannot make me get better. Therefore, there is no pressure to feign recovery or feel guilty. Additionally, by not shining the limelight on my self-harming, I feel more human. I am smart – if I say so myself. I am creative and hardworking. I am a sister, daughter and friend. I am more than self-harm.

Check out this information about looking after your mental wellbeing at university.

Substance Abuse: My Recovery

Carys writes about her experience of recovering from substance abuse and the effect on her mental health. 

- Carys

**Trigger Warning: This blog discusses substance abuse and self-harm**.

I started drinking when I was 16. My parents have always been quite strict with me drinking alcohol underage, and not drinking themselves meant I didn’t really have anyone to learn from. I drank alcohol ‘normally’ through sixth form and first term at university. However, a depressive episode in term two of my first year resulted in me abusing alcohol to such an extent that I was completely out of control of my actions; I have no memory of the times I spent intoxicated, and was often ending up in vulnerable situations. I believed that alcohol made me so happy, confident and relaxed, but it is also a depressant. When the university welfare team got involved, I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame about my inability to control my drinking. I began to isolate myself, and whenever I found myself in an environment with alcohol I was in absolute panic and distress, whether I was drunk or not. I avoided alcohol and drunk situations, as a way of dealing with my issues. 

In my second year at university I was prescribed sleeping tablets by my GP to help with insomnia, but I would overuse them. I finally got referred to a drug and alcohol recovery service by the university counselling service. I was a bit sceptical at first that it wouldn’t be useful as I ‘was over that now’ and felt reluctant to trust support services. However my counsellor was incredible and reassured me about the confidentiality of the service; it was completely separate to the university and neither the university nor the university counselling service had access to my notes, whilst they could only be shared with doctors or police in situations of immediate risk to myself or others. I was also told I could contact my counsellor at the service by phone any time I wanted to.

The first meeting was very difficult. I had to answer so many questions and became quite overwhelmed and distressed. However, as much as I thought I’d gotten through my substance abuse, the emotional damage was still on my mind every day. Of course my recovery wasn’t all that easy; I felt worse to begin with and the loss of one coping mechanism led to the replacement with another (I would hurt myself in different ways rather than resolving distress with alcohol). But, week by week, my counsellor taught me how to control my alcohol levels, learning about alcohol units, and planning my nights in advance to prevent any vulnerable situations. I had to log every substance and every alcoholic drink for months; I knew that if I wasn’t honest I wouldn’t get the help I need. Anything I struggled to say I could write it down.

It did wonders for my second year at university having someone I trusted to talk to each week, and learning how to drink normally again so I could once again enjoy parties and the rest of my student life. The emotional support also meant I made enough progress with recovery to study abroad during my third year after having been initially told I was ‘too high-risk’ to go. Even though I am now discharged from the service, I know I can still ring up anytime I want to speak to my counsellor and can get more sessions if necessary.

Now, I am happy to say that I have recovered from this, despite wishing that I had got this support much earlier on. I still find alcohol and places like bars triggering, but it is no longer stopping me from enjoying my nights out. Since my sessions I am able to put in place strategies to keep me safe, and I have the best housemates and course friends to look out for me when necessary. It doesn’t mean that I no longer enjoy drinking and partying, but it has changed my perception on student drinking culture and given me the confidence in myself to say ‘no’ if I don’t feel up for going out drinking. 

For more information and advice about dealing with substance abuse, visit Talk to Frank or find out more on page 32 of Student Minds' Transitions guide.

Carys studies MA Interpreting and Translating at the University of Bath and is the Deputy Editor for the Student Minds Blog. She is dedicated to helping students access any health and additional support they need to succeed at university. 

Revealing my self-harm scars

Kristina discusses her experience with self-harm scars.

- Kristina W. 

When I came to university, like most people, my entire friendship circle changed. Just like that, I had a new crop of people to explain my self-harm scars to. My flatmates, the people on my course, new friends, even professors. Unless I was going to studiously wear long sleeves, no matter the weather; they were going to see my scars. With the seeing, would most likely come questions.

The anxiety over the appearance of self-harm scars is a strong deterrent when it comes to trying new things, dressing for the weather and getting close to people. There are generally a few choices when it comes to scars:

• Cover with makeup (time-consuming and potentially messy)
• Tattoo over them to disguise them (expensive, might not be possible depending on the extent of the scarring)
• Topical treatments (which may or may not work)
• Laser treatment and surgery (expensive and may end up causing more scars)
• Accepting them (which is what I am trying to do)
  

I used clothes to cover mine day-to-day. Part of me was afraid of the conversations that would happen when people found out that I had scars. Another part of me feared the judgments that people would make about me because I had them.

I was able to keep them hidden while the weather was cold, but as it warmed up, the sweaters came off. Prepared to give my canned response to why I have the scars, I ventured forth. The responses I got, on the whole, surprised me.

Turned out, the people who cared about me were more concerned that whatever caused the scars weren’t a problem anymore and that I wasn’t in any danger of relapsing. I was lucky enough to not have had any overtly negative reactions to my scars. Although not everyone is that lucky, nobody is undeserving of happiness, friends, and relationships because they have scars.

Nobody should feel like they have to reveal their scars to anyone if they don’t want to. Some people actively conceal their scars and some don’t. There is no right way to go about it. Shame around having scars can negatively affect body image and self-esteem which can put the person with scars in a worse place. There are so many things that try and hold us back, but self-harm scars don’t need to be another one.
If you or someone you know is experiencing difficulties similar to these, more information and support can be found here. More information about self -harm can be found here.

Kristina W. spent a year as an international student at the University of Glasgow. Her experience changed the way she looked at her mental health for the better. She blogs about her student experience, money and career at saynotobrokeness.com.

What to do when you notice someone’s self harm scars

Kristina shares her advice on what to do if you notice a stranger's self-harm scars.

- Kristina W. 

Nothing.

Seriously. Don’t do anything. 

It’s hard to relate to why a person would injure themselves if you have never been in that position and the urge to ask them about it must be both strong and well-intentioned. 

However, to the people who notice self-harm scars on others (old, already healed scars - not fresh wounds) and feel the urge to say something, it’s a good idea to not bring them up. Chances are, they might not want to talk about them, especially if you are strangers. If you’re new at university and surrounded by strangers, your mental health struggles are not the best ice breaker. I know that I didn’t want to discuss them. Certainly not until we were better acquainted.

If someone close to you is self-harming and you want to help them, do take the steps to do so. There are several resources available for tackling self-harm. However, expressing concern to a stranger about their self-harm is another matter entirely.

Here’s why:

1. The reasons for self-harm are painful and the person bearing the scars may not necessarily want to rehash them with a curious bystander.
2. If their scars are visible, there is a chance that they overcame the enormous urge to cover them up. Or, it might be warm outside and they are dressing for the weather the same as everyone else. Whatever the reason, their scars are not an invitation to ask what happened.
3. It’s kind of rude. Especially in the case of someone you don’t particularly know, it’s incredibly invasive to ask about self-harm scars. It’s basically asking someone to reveal their mental health struggles to you when you barely know them. Would you be up for that?
4. You probably won't be satisfied with whatever answer they give you to why they did it. Since it’s a pretty grim kind of question to get, the answers you can look forward to can range from dismissive to passive-aggressive. Trust me when I say a lot of people with scars just don’t want to get into it. 

It differs from person to person but many people with scars don’t want them to be ‘a thing’. If you don’t know them, don’t make it a thing. 

If you’re concerned about the wellbeing of a friend or stranger and feel there are at risk of harm, they is a sensitive way of going about this. Gently enquire how they are, without directly asking about their scars and if they choose to disclose to you, you can offer them emotional support and signpost them to professional support.

If you or someone you know has been affecting by similar difficulties, you can find information and support here. Some information on supporting a friend can be found here.

Kristina W. spent a year as an international student at the University of Glasgow. Her experience changed the way she looked at her mental health for the better. She blogs about her student experience, money and career at saynotobrokeness.com.

Relapsing at University

Kristina shares her experience and offers advice on relapsing at University.

- Kristina W.

In 2018, I arrived in the UK for a one-year postgraduate course. Everything that happened between the time that I got my acceptance and arrived at university is a blur. It happened very, very fast. As an international student, I was dealing with visa and financial issues and the stress was on.

I thought that once I got to university and got settled, everything would be smooth sailing. It was my second go-round after all. I knew my way around a university library, knew what to do during seminars and the prospect of workshops didn’t scare me.

I started self-harming and developed an eating disorder when I was around fifteen but managed to recover. As a postgraduate, during my first month in the UK, the combined stress of my course, job and settling in after a cross-continental move meant that I relapsed. 

Looking back now, I see it as a response to events that I couldn’t control. It was harder this second time around but I found some tips to help my second trip down recovery road.

1. First of all, do not blame yourself. Recovery is not linear. Relapsing feels like a horrible slide backward, undoing all your progress, but that is not true. Eating disorder and self-harm relapse are common and you grow through your resilience against the destructive thoughts and behaviours that want to overpower you. 
2. Seek help as soon as possible. No, it is not weak to seek help. It is vital self-advocacy. My university had a counselling and mental health service, as well as access to resources like Big White Wall which, while not necessarily medical, provided useful support and validation. The first step is the hardest one. After crossing that barrier, it gets easier.
3. Be mindful of red flags and triggers, which is much easier said than done. Triggers and red flags are difficult to recognise and can differ vastly from person to person. Be mindful of your thoughts, behaviour and emotions to potentially stop a relapse in its tracks.

Finally, there are good and bad days. One bad day doesn’t undo three good days. The key to getting better is showing up every day and refusing to allow the destructive behaviour and thoughts to win. That takes time, patience, hard work, and yeah, sometimes relapse.

If you or someone close to you is showing symptoms of an eating disorder, help is available and further information can be found here.

Kristina W. spent a year as an international student at the University of Glasgow. Her experience changed the way she looked at her mental health for the better. She blogs about her student experience, money and career at saynotobrokeness.com.

Managing Self-Harm Continued

Jasmina shares her experiences of dealing with self-harm, and how she came to term with these struggles, in the 2nd of a 2 part blog post.

- Jasmina Kemp

Self-harm is when someone intentionally hurts or injures themselves. It is a way people deal with difficult feelings and allows them to relieve emotions they cannot express. Self-harm is unfortunately relatively prevalent in the student population. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, about 1 in 10 young people will self-harm at some point. As a student myself, I will share with you five main points that helped me deal with my self-harming behaviours.

1. Experiment with what makes you feel better.

To begin the process of recovery, you need to try and resolve the feelings that cause you to self-harm. There are so many things that could help you to cope with your difficult emotions. I personally do not think anybody's suggestions have been particularly helpful in relation to my self-harm so I encourage you to experiment with what works best for you.

To deal with the emotions I previously identified, I have found a range of different things to be helpful. If I miss someone, I write down what I would tell them if I were to see them. I find that an object like a teddy to cuddle gives me a form of comfort, but ultimately a hug from somebody I love would probably cheer me up the most. Similarly to this, if I am feeling stressed or anxious about a situation, I will write down a plan of action, to put my mind at rest.

2. You have to want to be able to stop.

Know that self-harming is damaging both for you and the people who care about you. Somewhere inside you, you have to find the motivation to stop, such as the encouragement of a personal goal or just simply the fact that you want to get better.

Personally, I am set on going to university as I am now behind a year, which is a big motive for me. I am striving to be happy and self-harming will not help me achieve my goals.

3. Surround yourself with positive people in a positive environment.

Try to spend time with people who make you happy and genuinely want you to feel better, whenever possible. If the people around you think positively, it is likely to lift your mood and encourage you to recover.

4. Know that some people will just not get it, and that is okay.

Even with an extensive history of mental health difficulties in my family, it took a long time for them to accept that I was struggling, potentially due to past experiences and probably culture too (me being half Polish). It can be draining and you can feel very alone. Self-harm is a coping mechanism and people who have not struggled with it themselves may find it difficult to understand or relate to. If people make insensitive or unhelpful comments but it’s important to ignore these as best as you can.

5. Do not put pressure on yourself to stop completely.

Setting yourself realistic goals and not being too hard on yourself will make recovery more achievable. If one day you suddenly decide to stop self-harming for good and then slip up after a while, you may feel disheartened and believe that recovery is impossible. Even once you have recovered there is always the possibility of relapse, so it is important to develop the tools and mindset to deal with the situation.

Read more of Jasmina's tips on dealing with self-harm in her further blog post here. 

If you are struggling with self-harm or any issues described in this post, you can find support here.

   

I’m Jasmina and am currently studying for my A-Levels in Biology, Chemistry and Geography. I am a keen harpist and also enjoy spending time with my horse in my spare time. Recently I have started blogging to try and help break the stigma surrounding mental health, support others who are struggling with their own emotional issues and raise awareness.

Managing Self-Harm

Jasmina shares her experiences of dealing with self-harm, and how she came to terms with these struggles, in the 1st of a 2 part blog post.

- Jasmina Kemp

Self-harm is when someone intentionally hurts or injures themselves. It is a way people deal with difficult feelings and allows them to relieve emotions they cannot express. Self-harm is unfortunately relatively prevalent in the student population. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, about 1 in 10 young people will self-harm at some point. As a student myself, I will share with you ten main points that helped me deal with my self harming behaviours.

1. Understand the reason behind your self-harm.

It can sometimes take a long time to figure out why you are experiencing certain emotions. You may have been trying to push them aside for some time, and may not want to admit why you are feeling the way you do, however, this is the only way you are going to be able to help yourself. Self-harm generally involves underlying emotional pain, and every reason for this struggle is valid. The reasons I struggled personally were probably a mixture of school stress and fear of being rejected by those I love.

2. Do not be embarrassed or scared to ask for professional help.

Friends and family can often be a good form of support, however, you have to be aware that they have never been trained in how to make you feel better, and it may also be difficult for them to cope at times too. Having a professional to share your problems with can be beneficial, however, it is vital to find a professional who you trust and have a good relationship with. Seeking therapy from somebody who does not encourage your desire to improve may have a lower chance of successfully helping you to overcome your difficult emotions.

3. Identify the feelings that cause you to self-harm.

Writing down your thoughts and feelings when you get urges to self-harm may be beneficial. Having personally dealt with feelings of loneliness and overwhelming situations, I learned which emotions would trigger self-harm urges for me. Once you have identified difficult thoughts and feelings you are experiencing, you may find it easier to tailor specific activities to prevent you from self-harming. For example, if you are angry you might deal with the emotions by punching a pillow, but this may be less effective if you are experiencing sadness.

4. Accept that there is no quick fix.

Refraining from self-harm will be a long and arduous process. You will need to work on self-control and learning to physically stop engaging in self-harm behaviours. Sometimes I find that sitting on my hands or closing my eyes helps if the urges are really strong because then I physically cannot harm myself. Whilst doing this I try to enforce positive thoughts, such as reminding myself that things will get better.

5. Understand that self-harming becomes addictive.

Once you start self-harming it is often difficult to stop, however, like any other addiction, it is possible. Getting into the habit of reminding yourself of your strong will, can be helpful in retraining your brain, from telling you to harm yourself. The less you self harm, the easier it becomes to ignore the urges and work towards stopping completely (the ultimate goal!).

Read more of Jasmina's tips on dealing with self-harm in here further blog post here. 

If you are struggling with self-harm or any issues described in this post, you can find support here.

I’m Jasmina and am currently studying for my A-Levels in Biology, Chemistry, and Geography. I am a keen harpist and also enjoy spending time with my horse in my spare time. Recently I have started blogging to try and help break the stigma surrounding mental health, support others who are struggling with their own emotional issues and raise awareness.

The Perils of Perfectionism

Catrin discusses the effect that anxiety and perfectionism have on university life, and how easy it is to put unnecessary stress on yourself. She explores the high-pressure environment at the University of Oxford, and how stress can be a competitive sport.

- Catrin Haberfield

University is hard. Brilliant, but hard, no matter where you are or what you study. I’m in my third year at Somerville College, Oxford, and I’ve truly loved every minute of it. My course is fantastic – I’ve had the chance to study everything from Beowulf to Dickens, Chaucer to Stoppard, and I’m having a whale of a time researching runic epigraphy for my dissertation. My college is amazing too: the welfare, food, accommodation, and people are all wonderful. But while the past two years have been an absolutely incredible experience, they’ve also been extremely challenging. 

One in four university students experiences mental health issues; at Oxford, it’s closer to one in two. I’m not stating this to gain sympathy, or to try and convince people that Oxford students are ‘special snowflakes’. I know that I’m at quite literally the best university in the world, and I’m proud of my achievements, but it can’t be escaped that standards here are high and so many people push themselves to breaking point just to live up to expectations. To make matters worse, these expectations can often be self-imposed. I definitely think that most Oxford students have a perfectionist streak, but with the sheer amount of work we’re given it’s hard to be 100% on point for every essay, tute sheet, or presentation. All too often, stress becomes competitive, and having four essays and reading list a mile long is worn like a badge of honour. But there’s nothing more futile, nothing more unhelpful, than constant self-deprecation coupled with high expectations.

I’ve lived with anxiety for years, and have struggled with depression and an eating disorder at various points of my life. A lot of these issues stem from perfectionism, and manifest as unhealthy coping mechanisms for stress. Eating disorders and self-harm, for example, often develop as ways to regain control over one part of your life when you feel powerless in other areas. During my first year, my eating disorder developed into bulimia, my depression reached an all-time low, a relationship ended, and my grandfather died. Add all of these things together, and top it off with a healthy dose of two essays a week (plus learning Old English from scratch), and you can see why I struggled. 

But – and this is the important thing – you don’t have to have a mental illness to struggle at uni. You don’t have to be mentally ill to find things hard. Everyone has their own mental health, the same way everyone has their own physical health, and you need to look after both. Stress is a natural part of life, and a certain amount is absolutely a healthy thing. Can you imagine if you didn’t get stressed about anything? You’d never be motivated, or interested, or scared. Life would be boring. But don’t make things harder by putting more pressure on yourself than you need. Set realistic goals, find a balance between work and play, and don’t punish yourself for taking an evening (or even a whole weekend) off. I guess my point is: be nice to yourself. You deserve it.

Hi folks! I'm Catrin, a third year Medieval English Language and Literature student at Somerville College, Oxford. I've always been super vocal when it comes to mental health; I love pushing boundaries and challenging people's assumptions about mental illness. I live with mental illness, so I know how much both the illnesses and the stigma can affect your life, as well as the lives of others. I'm incredibly excited to be a Sub-Editor for Student Minds, and I can't wait to help other people share their stories!

The Power of Storytelling: Hannah's Experience

Hannah Rainey has written for Student Minds 'Power of Storytelling' campaign with her own experience of sharing her story.

Hello! I'm Hannah, and I'm currently working in Marketing. I'm 20 years old, and started my blog in December 2015. Having suffered with anxiety and depression, mental health is a subject close to my heart and therefore one of the main categories on my blog. I feel very strongly about eliminating the stigma surrounding mental health and want to do as much as I can to help other people with a mental illness. http://littlethoughtsblog.com/

What inspired you to share your story?

To help other people. If I can help even just one person, I will be happy. I know how tough it is, and I know that when I was really suffering, I didn't always know where to look for help and support. For that reason, I want to provide that help and support for people who need it. Another main reason is to reduce stigma - I think a lot of the stigma surrounding mental illness comes down to lack of education, and people just don't talk about it enough. It needs to be recognised and spoken about - so that's what I'm doing.

Has telling your story helped you?

On the whole definitely yes. It wasn't easy by any means, but that's why I blog. I find that blogging about my experiences is much easier for me - when I write I am able to get more out. When writing one particular post, I sobbed the whole time. I just couldn't stop crying whilst writing it. But as soon as I'd finished, the most enormous weight was lifted. Also, the level of support in the blogging community is absolutely crazy. There are so many mental health blogs out there that really help me to understand that I'm not on my own or abnormal - mental illness really is common - and different people have different tips and advice.

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

I guess it's hard to say for certain, but I had some really positive comments on two of my posts. One gave tips on coping with anxiety, and the other an open letter to the person who stood by me through depression. People commented saying that they found my blog really inspiring, the tips were really useful, and I'd given them hope. To me, that's why sharing my story is so important. It fills me with joy to know that I have given somebody hope that it will get better. Hope is vital.

What did you find hardest about sharing your story?

Looking back on my experience, and realisation of what I've been through. Remembering what it was like, the things I was thinking. I absolutely cannot bare the thought of somebody else going through that. I found it really, really tough to look back on myself at that time, because I wasn't myself. I was a different person. This is particularly hard for me because I desperately miss the person I was before mental illness. So right now, I'm working on getting that person back.

Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking of sharing their story?

I would definitely recommend it, but only when you are ready. As I said, it's very difficult to look back on yourself. Even now I find it heartbreaking to acknowledge what I was feeling and even more so, what I was thinking. You absolutely have to be ready. Look back on yourself yes, with sadness at what you went through, but with hope and strength for the future. You will know when that time is. 

Why do you think it's important for people to share their story?

I think that feeling isolated is one of the most horrific things about mental illness, and all the time people are sharing their stories and putting them out there, we can reduce that isolation. I also think that getting our stories out there almost creates this 'army' of incredibly strong people who have beaten some serious challenges. That 'army' in itself provides hope that things can change and that there really is that 'light at the end of the tunnel.' Hope is what kept me going. We absolutely need to end the stigma surrounding mental illness and all the time people share their experiences we are slowly doing that. We must keep going and keep campaigning.

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power Of Storytelling Blog series? Please dont hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org

The Power of Storytelling: Grace's Experience

Grace kicks off Student Minds 'Power of Storytelling' campaign with her own experiences with sharing her story.

Hey, I'm Grace and I'm the Editor of the StudentMinds Blog. I've been blogging for about a year and was very honoured to be awarded Student Minds Blogger of the Year 2015. Admittedly sharing my story and personal experiences of mental health hasn't been easy, but honestly I will never look back. The positive responses I've gained and the differences I have been able to make have all been worth it.

What inspired you to share your story?

I am a big advocate for campaigning for mental health and reducing the stigma that is associated with it. I used to be so scared to talk about my story (I still am to a large extent) but I wanted my story to be able to help others. Frequently reading blog posts on mental health and keeping up to date with mental health news made me realise that I could make a difference alongside all those inspirational people. I wanted to turn my experience of depression and self harm into a positive and help people.

What did you find hardest about sharing your story?

The hardest part about telling my story was finally admitting to the world that I have experienced mental health problems. My own experiences were a large part of my life, but not everyone that I know and love is actually aware of what I have been through, so this was a massive hurdle for me. Honestly, when I first started writing I hoped that no one I knew would find my posts. The thought made me feel sick to my stomach - as I was scared that people would judge me, that I would lose friends, that people wouldn’t see me in the same light. There is no way I wanted people to find out! Others people’s perceptions of me are something that I really do care about. I kept thinking to myself, “they don’t read mental health related blogs anyway… do they?”.

 I couldn’t have been more wrong! Only a few hours after writing my first blog post for student minds I had been messaged by a girl at my university and a friend from home. This really took me by surprise and at first, I was so overwhelmed that I told them that I had not written the post and someone who had the same name as me must have! After a few hours of kicking myself for lying, I felt I had to come clean and said yes in fact it was my post, I was very sorry and I was just very embarrassed that they had read it. When they informed me that they thought it was an excellent post and something that many people could relate to it made me realise that it was all worthwhile.

Has telling your story helped you?

Telling my story has actually been really therapeutic for me. I thought my experience was one in a million, that I had no one to turn to and that I would not be accepted. I couldn’t have been more wrong! Putting my struggles into words has helped me deeply asses what I have experienced and thus how far I have really come. Sharing my story has also helped me meet so many amazing people through Student Minds; I attended the Student Minds Festival and gave The Power of Storytelling talk. I am also grateful to be working with an inspirational bunch of people on the Student Minds Editorial Team. All in all it has given me the confidence to realise that talking about it is ok, a lot of people have experienced this and importantly, I am not alone.

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

I would like to think that sharing my story has not only benefitted me, but also helped others. I have received wonderful feedback from people who have read my personal posts. Importantly, sharing my story gave me the confidence to develop the SHINE project at my university alongside the counsellors in order to promote e-resources on mental health and wellbeing. However, if what I write helps one person then that is an achievement for me.

What blog post are you the post proud of?

The blog post that I am the post proud of is called “FindingSomeone Who Shares The Same Pain”. I am a massive advocate for peer support. As I mentioned before, when people responded to my story I was overwhelmed at first but now I couldn’t thank them enough. Having friends and family around you to support you during your journey is so important. They’ll be your support network for good times and bad. Having just one person to turn to in dark times is something I feel is imperative to getting back on the road to recovery.

Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking of sharing their story?

I would say only do it if you truly feel ready. If you have many sleepless nights and constant anxiety about posting a blog or a personal story then maybe the time is not right, but that’s okay! The first time will always be hard, but you might be surprised that you are stronger than you think and sharing your story will lead you down some amazing roads.

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power Of Storytelling Blog series? Please dont hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org

Self Harm Awareness Day - The Power of Talking

Grace doesn't want others to hold the burden of "the taboo of self-harm" and feel the need to keep it a secret like she once did.

-Grace

400 in every 100,000 people have been found to harm themselves (Mental Health Foundation). Today marks Self Harm Awareness Day and I believe this to be one of the biggest taboos of mental health. Why don’t we talk about it when it affects so many people?
It can be very hard to understand why someone causes physical harm to themselves. I even find it difficult to comprehend as someone who has experienced self-harm. It’s hard to explain that I was mentally hurting so much that hurting myself physically seemed like the only way to ‘cope’. Yes, I feel embarrassed and ashamed about it, it is not something I am proud of and of course I wish that I didn’t develop this ‘coping strategy’.
However, despite the extent of being ashamed of myself I am more scared of what other people may think, will people still think of me in the same way when they find this out? Will I lose friends? Will people call me an attention seeker? People judging me is 110% the thing I am scared of the most, and my stomach is in knots just writing this, let alone posting it. However, I do know that I don’t do this for attention; it is a very private thing that I have barely told anyone; even some of the people I love the most and am the closest to were unaware. As someone who advocates talking and raising awareness of mental health it’s still something that I wouldn’t have even dreamed about discussing. However, I promised myself this year that I would make an effort to raise awareness of mental health. Therefore, I need to be open with everyone.
There are a lot of stereotypes around self harm, and some people may have a stereotype in their head of the kind of person that self injures…but this is exactly what it is, a stereotype. Do I fit the category of looking like someone who would self injure? No, because self injury can affect anyone no matter of their background or circumstances. Self injury affects more people than anyone realises, and there's isn't a one size fits all with this or any mental health condition.
I find it extremely hard to talk about and almost all the people I know were not aware of my experience with this, but I believe I need to help break down the taboo that surrounds self harm; how can I expect my friends and family to be able to understand and support me when I can’t even talk about it myself?
People may question why would someone who has amazing friends and family, is doing well at university, and has a good social life, feel so negatively towards herself that she has to damage her body? You may think, how will this even help? Isn’t that just a stupid thing to do? It’s understandable that these questions arise, but they aren’t the best ones to ask.
I don’t even understand myself why I felt the need to self harm and why even several years after I started I still struggle with it, but what I do know is that having people around me who love and support me is something that will always help. 
However, sadly it took me years to finally seek help for something I had been doing for many years, due to the fear of being judged and what people might say. Honestly, it’s been hard and the people who I have told have found it very upsetting and difficult to come to terms with. From my personal experience one bit of advice I could give anyone who is supporting someone who experiences self harm is - please remember to look after yourself as well, admitting when it gets too much is something that your friend will be able to appreciate but please never turn your back on them, they need your support more than you know.
Despite a few bad experiences, happily with the right support; opening up to a friend, having someone’s support who had been there themselves, having the best mum in the world, having regular GP appointments, being on the right medication and receiving counselling, I can honestly say it was worth opening up and seeking help. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if you are someone who is struggling or know someone who is struggling please support them and urge them to seek help.

I don’t want others to hold the burden of “the taboo of self-harm” and feel the need to keep it a secret like I once did. 

Self-harm isn't widely discussed in society let alone in the student population. Raising awareness about self injury is incredibly important- awareness leads to understanding and empathy, banishing judgement and fear, and reducing the number of people who feel alone and suffer in silence. Raising awareness is about educating people who do not self injure and reaching out to people who do.

If you, or someone you know, have been affected by any of the issues discussed above, you can find support here.