The 'Shame' of Dropping Out

Rylee shares their experience of dropping out of university due to mental health and how it benefitted them in the long run. Hopefully, they highlight the importance of putting your mental health first.

- Rylee 

The excitement

It had arrived. The week I had been waiting for since I was 16… Freshers Week! I had fun, made friends, signed up to clubs, ate too much pizza and drank too much red wine. An incredible time. My flat seemed nice, my room was a good size, and I made it cosy and personal. Everything fell into place. I was happy! I was at a Russel group university! I was excited and loving this new-found freedom.

The realisation 

After three weeks or so, I realised this huge environment was swallowing me whole. Disconnected from students and lecturers. Lecturers who wouldn’t set you apart from anybody else. “Why am I here? Does anyone notice me? Does the university even care that I’m here? Wait, isn’t uni meant to be the time of my life? Why do I feel so horrible here?” This trail of thoughts continued for weeks…

Halls were loud, disrupting my sleep. I had abuse shouted at me through my window. Flatmates were unclean. Lecturers weren’t understanding of my physical health conditions. I stopped singing, I stopped playing guitar. I refused to drink and eat whilst in my flat, so I didn’t have to walk out of my room to go to the shared toilets. I nested in my “cosy” room most days which ended up feeling like a prison. My eating disorder tendencies were returning, my panic attacks were rising, and my depression prevailed. I saw no point. No point in continuing. No point in being in an environment that doesn’t see you as a student… you’re just a number.

The struggle

I made a few trips home to seek the comfort of my dog (and the family too). Every time I had to go back to university I got this sinking feeling, a drop in the stomach, a pain in my chest. I didn’t want to go back to that isolating place. Sure, I had friends I could go out with into town but the overwhelming confusion and turmoil in my mind stopped me from seeking the support from my relationships built at uni. In hindsight, maybe I could’ve spoken to them? But I couldn’t even comprehend my own emotions. I was so lonely. I was alone.

Seeking student support was a big step for me – challenging and daunting. Different universities will have different support available, but my experience accessing support at that time was very disappointing. Signposting from one person to another. I sat in a room and broke down in front of a drop-in wellbeing advisor who sent me to another service which then sent me to an external company. By the time my referrals had gone through I already made my decision… I needed to leave that environment. I ended up leaving early December, feeling ashamed of my defeat. “How could I be a dropout? Education is all I care about and I’ve just thrown the towel in?” – my mind was filled with those self-loathing questions. (How I wish I could’ve told myself then that it would be the best decision of my life!)

Life after the decision

I moved back home, worked full time, went on a couple of holidays and allowed myself time to recover from the decline of my mental health and eating disorder relapses. Now I am enrolled at my new university and I am thriving. The mental health support team are incredible, they have a genuine care for us all. I am back to eating well (for the most part, I still like pizza and red wine), I can leave my room without having a panic attack, and my depression has subsided. In no way am I saying I’m “cured” – intrusive thoughts still peek through and it can be tough, but now I’m in an environment that facilitates growth and support. If you’re struggling with your environment at university, speak up, talk it through with friends, family and university to work out your support plan.

There is no shame in being a “drop-out”, especially when it is to take care of YOU. University can be redone. There is no set timeline or plan you must follow in life. As cringy as it sounds, listen to your heart. Go where you need to go. Do freshers again – have that pressure taken away from that one week and go into university to see it for what it is: an academic journey with friends and laughter. It won’t always be the time of your life because let’s face it, life doesn’t always work like that when you have mental health issues. But you have power, you can change your fate and help yourself. I am an unrecognisable person to who I was at my last university, and it’s all for the better. However, I wouldn’t change a moment of this journey. It’s all another chapter for the book.

You can find more about support at your university and further here.

Hiya! I'm Rylee and I am a first-year Psychology student at the University of Chichester. I am vocal about LGBTQ+ Rights and passionate about changing the stigma around mental health.

Managing Self-Harm Continued

Jasmina shares her experiences of dealing with self-harm, and how she came to term with these struggles, in the 2nd of a 2 part blog post.

- Jasmina Kemp

Self-harm is when someone intentionally hurts or injures themselves. It is a way people deal with difficult feelings and allows them to relieve emotions they cannot express. Self-harm is unfortunately relatively prevalent in the student population. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, about 1 in 10 young people will self-harm at some point. As a student myself, I will share with you five main points that helped me deal with my self-harming behaviours.

1. Experiment with what makes you feel better.

To begin the process of recovery, you need to try and resolve the feelings that cause you to self-harm. There are so many things that could help you to cope with your difficult emotions. I personally do not think anybody's suggestions have been particularly helpful in relation to my self-harm so I encourage you to experiment with what works best for you.

To deal with the emotions I previously identified, I have found a range of different things to be helpful. If I miss someone, I write down what I would tell them if I were to see them. I find that an object like a teddy to cuddle gives me a form of comfort, but ultimately a hug from somebody I love would probably cheer me up the most. Similarly to this, if I am feeling stressed or anxious about a situation, I will write down a plan of action, to put my mind at rest.

2. You have to want to be able to stop.

Know that self-harming is damaging both for you and the people who care about you. Somewhere inside you, you have to find the motivation to stop, such as the encouragement of a personal goal or just simply the fact that you want to get better.

Personally, I am set on going to university as I am now behind a year, which is a big motive for me. I am striving to be happy and self-harming will not help me achieve my goals.

3. Surround yourself with positive people in a positive environment.

Try to spend time with people who make you happy and genuinely want you to feel better, whenever possible. If the people around you think positively, it is likely to lift your mood and encourage you to recover.

4. Know that some people will just not get it, and that is okay.

Even with an extensive history of mental health difficulties in my family, it took a long time for them to accept that I was struggling, potentially due to past experiences and probably culture too (me being half Polish). It can be draining and you can feel very alone. Self-harm is a coping mechanism and people who have not struggled with it themselves may find it difficult to understand or relate to. If people make insensitive or unhelpful comments but it’s important to ignore these as best as you can.

5. Do not put pressure on yourself to stop completely.

Setting yourself realistic goals and not being too hard on yourself will make recovery more achievable. If one day you suddenly decide to stop self-harming for good and then slip up after a while, you may feel disheartened and believe that recovery is impossible. Even once you have recovered there is always the possibility of relapse, so it is important to develop the tools and mindset to deal with the situation.

Read more of Jasmina's tips on dealing with self-harm in her further blog post here. 

If you are struggling with self-harm or any issues described in this post, you can find support here.

   

I’m Jasmina and am currently studying for my A-Levels in Biology, Chemistry and Geography. I am a keen harpist and also enjoy spending time with my horse in my spare time. Recently I have started blogging to try and help break the stigma surrounding mental health, support others who are struggling with their own emotional issues and raise awareness.

Managing Self-Harm

Jasmina shares her experiences of dealing with self-harm, and how she came to terms with these struggles, in the 1st of a 2 part blog post.

- Jasmina Kemp

Self-harm is when someone intentionally hurts or injures themselves. It is a way people deal with difficult feelings and allows them to relieve emotions they cannot express. Self-harm is unfortunately relatively prevalent in the student population. According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, about 1 in 10 young people will self-harm at some point. As a student myself, I will share with you ten main points that helped me deal with my self harming behaviours.

1. Understand the reason behind your self-harm.

It can sometimes take a long time to figure out why you are experiencing certain emotions. You may have been trying to push them aside for some time, and may not want to admit why you are feeling the way you do, however, this is the only way you are going to be able to help yourself. Self-harm generally involves underlying emotional pain, and every reason for this struggle is valid. The reasons I struggled personally were probably a mixture of school stress and fear of being rejected by those I love.

2. Do not be embarrassed or scared to ask for professional help.

Friends and family can often be a good form of support, however, you have to be aware that they have never been trained in how to make you feel better, and it may also be difficult for them to cope at times too. Having a professional to share your problems with can be beneficial, however, it is vital to find a professional who you trust and have a good relationship with. Seeking therapy from somebody who does not encourage your desire to improve may have a lower chance of successfully helping you to overcome your difficult emotions.

3. Identify the feelings that cause you to self-harm.

Writing down your thoughts and feelings when you get urges to self-harm may be beneficial. Having personally dealt with feelings of loneliness and overwhelming situations, I learned which emotions would trigger self-harm urges for me. Once you have identified difficult thoughts and feelings you are experiencing, you may find it easier to tailor specific activities to prevent you from self-harming. For example, if you are angry you might deal with the emotions by punching a pillow, but this may be less effective if you are experiencing sadness.

4. Accept that there is no quick fix.

Refraining from self-harm will be a long and arduous process. You will need to work on self-control and learning to physically stop engaging in self-harm behaviours. Sometimes I find that sitting on my hands or closing my eyes helps if the urges are really strong because then I physically cannot harm myself. Whilst doing this I try to enforce positive thoughts, such as reminding myself that things will get better.

5. Understand that self-harming becomes addictive.

Once you start self-harming it is often difficult to stop, however, like any other addiction, it is possible. Getting into the habit of reminding yourself of your strong will, can be helpful in retraining your brain, from telling you to harm yourself. The less you self harm, the easier it becomes to ignore the urges and work towards stopping completely (the ultimate goal!).

Read more of Jasmina's tips on dealing with self-harm in here further blog post here. 

If you are struggling with self-harm or any issues described in this post, you can find support here.

I’m Jasmina and am currently studying for my A-Levels in Biology, Chemistry, and Geography. I am a keen harpist and also enjoy spending time with my horse in my spare time. Recently I have started blogging to try and help break the stigma surrounding mental health, support others who are struggling with their own emotional issues and raise awareness.

Learning to cope when a mental health difficulty reappears

In this blog, Freya talks about how she managed when symptoms of anxiety reappeared after a long time of feeling well.

One of the hardest parts of dealing with anxiety for me was the fact that it came back. I think what so many people think – including myself – is that once you initially overcome these issues, they’re gone forever. But mental health doesn’t work like that.

When you overcome cancer you are in ‘remission’, you are not cured, you don’t have a lifetime guarantee of health. But, at least temporarily, you are not suffering the immediate effects of this disease. For mental health, I think it’s the same. Knowing that could help prepare you for the possibility that you will suffer from conditions and symptoms again.

When I started getting panic attacks again after months of feeling fine, I rang my mum, distraught that it could be happening again. Hadn’t I already been through this?

Although this time I had coping mechanisms which made my anxiety easier to deal with, it’s hard to feel in control when all that was going through my head was ‘not again, please not again’. Then you panic about the fact that you’re panicking. It’s a vicious circle of panic upon panic when, in actual fact, I knew I had the tools to deal with it. My counselling had been useful and effective, but I just felt this overwhelming shock that such panic could penetrate my life again after so much time feeling good.

It took me some time to accept the fact that my anxiety had taken a hold of my life again, but when I did, it was so much easier to deal with. I guess what’s important to remember is that there is no everlasting cure for mental health. That’s not to say that you’ll spend the rest of your life dealing with mental health difficulties. I just think it’s important to always be aware that there’s a possibility that it could come back. And if/when it does: remember to look outwards not inwards. Positivity over negativity. There’s nothing wrong with suffering; you are a stronger person for it.

Remember that the people around you are more understanding than you think, something I forget every time I feel awful. My housemates know I struggle with anxiety and they also know how to deal with it. Often people don’t naturally know how to help, so talk to the people you trust and tell them what you find useful. For example, I don’t need someone to ask me if I’m okay, I need them to list random things with me such as dog breeds. Let people in. Let them help you. 

Positive is definitely the last thing you are feeling when mental health issues recur. However, it’s probably the most useful emotion to have. I don’t really need to even feel that positive, I just need to tell myself I am. I’ll smile to myself or listen to a song I relate to a good memory and bring myself back to that positive mind frame that I know is never far away.

The challenge isn’t getting your life ‘back on track’ because it’s not off the track, it’s just taken a slight detour. So, take a minute or a day or however long you need and try to remember how far you have come since you first started feeling low. If you used to go for a run once a week or save time to watch TV with your house mates, then do that again. Take as much time as you need to get back into the routine you built for yourself.

Mental health, just like anything medical, takes time. It doesn’t help to beat yourself up about it and it doesn’t help to forget everything you’ve worked towards. Don’t pressure yourself to be okay all the time, and don’t lose hope. Onwards and upwards.

I am a journalism student at the University of Leeds, in my second year. Writing about mental health and reducing any remaining stigma is important for me because I have seen my friends struggle with mental health as well as struggling with it myself. Writing has always been a useful outlet for me and I want to help as many people as I can going through university. 

The Fear of Relapse

Erin writes about the reality of relapses, and how they can actually be used to change your outlook on life.

- Erin Cadden

Relapsing, it’s a frightening one to comprehend. You don’t think it is possible at a time when things are good. After my last relapse, I didn’t think I could fall as low as I did, again.

One year ago, on May 1st, I had an episode in which I was hospitalised in a mental health facility. This was a turning point for me - a time when I knew I had to seek professional, long-term help.

I’ve struggled for the past 10 years or so with my mental health and my recovery is still ongoing. But only in the past year, after the relapse in May, have I been taking the right steps towards it. While it’s been a difficult journey, it’s also been life changing. I’ve participated in group therapy, private CBT, talking therapy, and hypnotherapy, as well as mentoring and reading self-help books, all to get to know how my brain works.

So I thought I was in a good, healthy place. I’d have my down days from time to time, but I sought comfort from friends and family in order to pull through. But this latest relapse was different.

About a week ago, feelings that haven’t surfaced for a long time came flooding back and my brain, at the time, didn’t seem strong enough to handle it. I tried to end my own life. The police were called and my mum drove over 40 minutes to my rescue. It’s upsetting, knowing that as I type this I feel remorse for that person who came so close to ending her suffering, because that was not the same Erin that is typing this today.

What’s scary about dark thoughts is that they can consume you. They can block out everything that is going on around you and can hone in on the negatives in your brain. At my time of despair, strangers surrounded me trying to help, but all I could hear were my own thoughts. I wish at that point in time, someone could have removed the dark cloud that was overshadowing me, because only then would I have been able to see the bright blue sky.

The greatest realisation from my recent relapse was that no one can help you as much as yourself. There was something inside of me that was determined not to let my self-destructive mind win. I have so much potential, ambition and determination for life. But in that split second, it could have all been lost. I’m not deceived; I know I’m still in recovery and may be for a long time. My journey has not finished yet. But I’m fighting that voice telling me to stay in bed, to ring in sick to work and to not face contact with society.

We need to realise the world is much greater than just our minds. What we’re told by our brains is just a spec in comparison to the extraordinary potential in the world. We can pull through at dark times, and while there’s no guarantee they won’t return again, each time we get stronger. Each time we learn a little more about how our brains work, and each time, recovery from painful relapses is that little bit easier. I’ve realised that ending pain and ending a life are two separate things. When the dark thoughts consume you, it might seem that ending a life is the only way to end the pain. This is not the case. There are many ways to relieve the pain of all mental illnesses. You just need to make that first step to getting help.

It’s important not to get caught up in the negative stigma surrounding mental health. I am not afraid nor embarrassed of it. No two brains are alike; people cope with and handle life in different ways, and this goes for treatment too. Some need a little more support, be that medication, mental health professionals or a simple shoulder to cry on.

Your mental health is a part of who you are. This isn’t always an easy thing to comprehend. After my relapses, I learnt that this mind, my mind, is what I’d been dealt with in life. I could either resist and live my life in pain, or accept and love myself. I am not resisting and fearing relapse. I am growing with it.