Life as an 'estranged student'

An experience of coping with life at university when you come from a complicated and unstable family background. 

- Anonymous

Universities attract ambitious young people from far and wide. Some students come from different countries, or live nearby to their chosen uni city – but there is the general knowledge that every student comes from somewhere. This is because university is not really designed to be anyone’s ‘home’. It does not count as a legal permanent address and many uni accommodation buildings require their students to move out of their rooms in the holidays. For most university students the holidays mean returning home to familiar surroundings, family, home cooked meals and a free laundry service. But what about those who dread the holidays? What about those who have nowhere to go?

As a university applicant with a difficult and mostly broken relationship with my family, I was fortunate enough that one of my parents’ home was still my legal address, so was able to apply for university and SFE. However, this does not mean that the door is always open, it is simply a few words on a form rather than a genuine source of stability it is meant to be. There are students, like me, whose parents are not practically or emotionally there to support them. This can be for a variety of reasons, for example I have been ‘sofa surfing’ since I was 17 as my mum suffers from clinical depression and therefore cannot support me. I instead, support her. During freshers I responded to the usual ice-breaker questions about who I was, where I was from and what my family was like with various stories. Many went along the lines of ‘it’s just a bit complicated’, ‘I live with my aunt and uncle’ and even ‘oh nothing interesting really, I’m just from the south’. In truth, I had no idea how to explain my situation and did not want to appear strange or complicated.

Luckily though, during the first term I met some incredible friends who I felt able to be somewhat open and honest with. They listened and tried to understand as they pieced together bits of information that I shared with them. I often wondered if I did the right thing in sharing my situation with people who were so different to me, but I came to be very grateful for it when the holidays arrived. For students from complicated family backgrounds and home lives, the last few weeks of term are filled with anxiety. I had specifically chosen accommodation that allowed me to stay in my room during the holidays (a key piece of advice for students like me coming to uni), but the idea of being completely alone for a month was scary. Yet because my friends were aware of my situation, they came together to host me with each of their families. To anyone like me who is scared to be open with friends and peers about your situation, I know you’ll feel a lot less alone if you do. I still feel anxious when the term ends, but I know my friends won’t leave me behind and I get to see different parts of the country and meet new people!

Covid-19 certainly created challenges for every student, no matter how stable your home life, but lockdown has also meant that the time estranged students spend alone or worried about accommodation has increased dramatically. If you know of a friend from any sort of complicated background make sure to check on them now more than ever. The government’s advice to stay home and save lives is simple for those who have a family home to go back to. For those who are independent, speak to your university welfare officers or your friends – there is always someone there to help! Many universities also have an ‘Estranged Students’ group who offer advice and support.

Now that I am in 3rd year, I have built up the confidence and experience to say that I am an ‘estranged student’ who is not dependant on my parents. I can now say that without feeling any shame or embarrassment. Yes, I’m in the minority, but I’ve come to realise that it is okay to be different. If you had told 18-year-old me I would eventually feel proud of my independence, I doubt I would have believed you. But I am. I hope that anyone like me who reads this realises they should give themselves a pat on the back for getting to university with less support than most. I certainly found that people do not judge me or look down on me because of my independence but are generally impressed by it. So, try to feel impressed with yourself and still ask for help. Just because you’re independent does not mean you’re alone! 

Visit Student Minds for further support and Student Space is here to help you through coronavirus. Explore online resources, access direct support via text, phone, web chat or email and find the support available at your place of study.

I absolutely love life as a student, however I found it very challenging at first to cope without the emotional and practical support that most students receive from their parents. In my first year I felt incredibly isolated and didn’t know how to be honest with my friends or seek support. I wanted to write this to give advice to students like me and be a reminder that you’re not alone.  

New year, same me?

Jessica shares her experience of the pressures of New Year's resolutions but also how to realistically maintain them.

- Jessica Flora

New Year's resolutions are often highly talked about during this time of year. Although they can be great in helping people re-focus their life and build towards a goal, a downfall is that individuals often feel immense pressure to maintain goals and compare themselves with others. By all means, it's a good thing for someone to reach for a goal - but if that goal seems unattainable or unrealistic to an individual, it's easy to become disheartened and fall vulnerable to feelings of stress. Here are some tips for setting realistic and flexible New Year's resolutions that have helped me focus throughout the year:

1. Don't feel that you have to wait for next year to reset your goals

 

A few months into the year you may feel that the January goals you set are not going quite how you wanted them to, and that you may need to re-adjust your goals (due to something like a pandemic!). Don't give up and wait until next year - just re-adjust them! Each day gives you the chance to do something new, so why not change your goal in the here and now? Fine-tuning your goals and goal plans according to your situation makes you more likely to achieve them. So, by next year you can happily tick it off your list, or even keep it going if it's a long-term goal. Remember: some progress is better than none!

2. Setting monetary goals

You may want to set a high target when it comes to money, but try setting smaller targets throughout the year. For example, you could aim to save £30 by the end of January, then £60 overall by the end of February, and so on. Try not to spend money on things you can easily save on; for example, limit the number of takeaways you eat every week, and set the money you would have spent aside, in your savings account. Over time these things will mount up, and can be used for future purposes like putting a deposit down on a house, buying a car, etc. Just remember, don't become disheartened if you cannot afford to put extra money aside for that month - always do what you feel is best.

3. Setting health goals

Exercising is a common goal for most people; however, it can be a challenging thing to maintain and if individuals don't see improvements, they may lose interest. An important tip for keeping an exercise goal is tracking your progress and researching the "Do's and Do not's" of fitness. Remember that some things may not work for you, and that's okay! Keep researching new forms of exercise to try until you find something that works for you. It is important to remember that things take time, so don't expect to see results immediately, and always work out safely.

4. Grades

Wanting to better your grades is not a bad thing at all. However, you may endlessly tire yourself out with overworking and overstressing, losing yourself in the process. Instead of trying to deal with this on your own, email the teachers/lecturers that mark your work and ask them specifically how you can improve. Look into intervention classes for your specific subject/area, as they may be able to provide you with help and guidance. Remember: it may take time for your grades to improve, but don't stop trying!

5. New skills/hobbies

Wanting to learn a new skill or take up a new hobby can be intimidating and challenging, especially during the current pandemic. My advice is to try as many different skills and hobbies before committing to anything, to see what you do and don't like. You may surprise yourself with what you find. If you find yourself feeling disheartened at something difficult, remember that practice makes perfect, so keep on trying no matter what. 

 

My overall message is this: anything is possible if you have the motivation to work for it, and baby steps are key when trying to reach a big goal.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, check out our previous blog, "Taking things one day at a time" by Adam. You can also learn more about improving your mental wellbeing on Student Space.

Hi, I'm Jessica and I study an undergraduate Psychology degree. I feel there is an immense societal pressure and expectation on students to be high achievers. Mental health should not be stigmatised, but should be seen as an important and serious issue that needs addressing.