Accustomed to solitude

Vee writes about overcoming feelings of loneliness and making friends at uni.  

- Vee

I live alone at uni. Specifically, I live in a studio flat. 

Talking and interacting with people is definitely not my speciality. I chose to opt out of living the “uni life” with a bunch of flatmates, going clubbing and partying and meeting 100 different people in the span of a week. When I first moved into my studio, I barely left, and didn’t attend any events during Fresher’s, save for one thing that I got dragged to by someone who had also come to my university. I met and talked to a couple people there, including someone who happened to do the same course I was doing. I also randomly bumped into someone on campus, who complimented my outfit, and we became friends. However, after freshers, I talked to no one during lectures. I’d go over to my friends flat and hang out with their flatmates, but it was never anything close. They all liked me, but I wasn’t into clubbing and partying or even talking so it never led to anything more.  

I spent a lot of time in my studio in the end. I would go to class, speak to no one, walk home, and stay in my room all by myself. At some point, I felt so alone, and assumed that no one liked me or wanted to be friends with me.  

 

But I was wrong.  

 

The problem was that I was always too scared to talk to people, be myself, and ask to hang out (massive fear of rejection). I always kept to myself, because it felt easier. But it also made my first year at university incredibly isolating. I barely got involved with anything because I was so unprepared for how crippling of feeling loneliness was. I experience it a lot but feeling lonely around 30,000 students - nearly 400 of them in my course - exacerbated this even more. Towards the end of the term, I got involved with numerous activities, but more importantly, I actually talked to people. I hated it, but the few friends I have now are worth it.  

Remember the person I met at a random freshers event, who happened to be on the same course as me? That guy would always say “hi!” to me if he ever saw me at lectures, but until I started talking to him properly, asking for his number (I’m in the minority of people who don’t use Instagram or Snapchat), messaging and hanging out with him after lectures, I realised that no matter what, there's always at least one person who wants to be friends with you, and in my case, all I had to do was let them in.  

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

Hello, I’m Vee. I study psychology and cognitive neuroscience at the University of Nottingham and work on multiple research projects regarding student mental health. I love research, and from personal experiences, I developed a sense of advocacy towards students suffering from mental health issues, loneliness, a lack of belonging, and the many challenges faced by students from marginalised groups.

University Challenge: Finding Your Crowd

Sadiyah writes about building a sense of belonging with people from similar ethnic backgrounds and finding your crowd at uni.

- Sadiyah

Starting university was always a scary jump from studying A-levels because the culture, environment, and people were completely different. It is that huge step that everyone talks about. I was excited but anxious about ‘where I would belong’ as university cultures are predominantly different from my beliefs, especially with the social scene revolving around drinking and partying. 

When I first started university, the buzz was incredible. Everyone was making new friends and diving into their new routines. But as the first few weeks flew by, I began to feel out of place. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my classes or couldn’t handle the workload; it was more about the social activities where people became friends. A lot centred around drinking, which isn’t my thing due to my culture and religion. 

Although my cohort was quite diverse, I didn’t encounter many people who shared my Pakistani background. This added another layer to my feelings of being outside of my comfort zone. Having dual nationality made things even more complex. On the one hand, I understood British culture and resonated with parts of it, but truly I longed for interactions with people of my own who understood my Pakistani heritage. 

This left a sense of discomfort because the beginning of freshers’ events and the boat party were all centred around those things. I found myself in situations where I felt awkward and had to explain why I wasn’t drinking. Trying to blend in while staying true to yourself was a strange feeling. It wasn’t about the alcohol; it was about finding people who understood my background of being British Pakistani and shared similar experiences. 

However, I did find some wonderful friends who made me feel like I belonged. They might not have shared my ethnic background, but they were open, understanding, and supportive. These friendships helped bridge a gap and made my university experience much more enjoyable. We found common ground in our interests, and being psychology students allowed us to support each other through the ups and downs of university life. 

Discussing mental health openly was a game changer. Being honest about my feelings and hearing others do the same made a vast difference. It showed me that I wasn’t alone and that it was okay to feel out of place sometimes. 

In the end, being a British-Pakistani student at university has had its challenges, but it’s also taught me a lot about resilience and finding my community. I found my place by reaching out, joining supportive networks, and staying open about my feelings. It wasn’t with people of my own, but this has been a journey of self-discovery and growth, and it’s made me appreciate the importance of inclusivity and mental health awareness in creating a supportive university environment for everyone. 

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

My name is Sadiyah and I’m a second-year Psychology Student at City University of London. As a dedicated psychology student with a strong passion for clinical psychology, I joined the U-Belong campaign to contribute to developing practical guidance for university students struggling with loneliness. Through this experience, I aim to deepen my understanding of the psychological challenges students face and explore practical interventions. My involvement reflects my commitment to meaningfully impacting mental health support within the academic community, driven by a desire to foster a more inclusive and supportive university environment.

Breaking the Stigma

Members of the U-Belong Student Campaign team write about the link between low mood and loneliness … and how you can break the cycle. 

- Anonymous

We hear of low social battery, low energy, and how common mental health challenges are, but sometimes it is too normalised … to the point where we ‘normalise’ it in unhealthy ways. At times, this can lead us to avoid engaging with information that help us understand how we are feeling and things we can do to feel better. Learning to manage emotions and behaviours linked with the challenges and circumstances of university can drastically change your mindset and quality of life.  

Winter Blues

Different factors can affect low mood. For example, seasonal depression affects 1 in 3 people every year in the UK. The start of the academic year often coincides with darker, colder, and wetter days. Living with these cold weather conditions, we are more likely to be trapped within our emotions at home and have feelings of exhaustion, drainage and tiredness; sometimes for no reason at all. This can also contribute to feelings of loneliness and not feeling a part of a community because of feeling stuck in your own mind. Talking with a loved one, social support, and gradual exposure to social situations can help break this cycle and combat loneliness caused by these feelings.   

Managing Stress

We often have cycles and days we’re not ‘feeling it’ as a lot of people like to express it - meaning ‘I’m not in the mood and I’m too stressed out to even focus on one thing.’ And that’s okay. Find out what works for you. This might be creating a list of 2 things you want to get done by the end of the week. This can feel easier than setting yourself lists of tasks per day to complete. The trick here is to create a less overwhelming mind.   

 

Focus on the Positives 

Building happiness around and within us can help us feel better about the negatives in our lives. Writing can help to empty our minds. And remember, we are our biggest critics. You may be good at a specific recipe and being a good friend, but we tend to outweigh our strengths with the negatives - not being good at another recipe. It is not that it’s a negative, it’s a challenge yet to be overcome. And sometimes we don’t need to overcome it. We’re only human and as adults it’s important to constantly go through very slow and then very fast stages of life.  

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

Written anonymously for UBelong and the Student Minds Blog. 

A Journey

Hina and Syirah write a fictional story about two international students’ journeys through university and  finding their way to friendship and belonging. 

- Hina and Syirah

“Good evening. This announcement is for all passengers traveling to Dubai via Emirates flight EK1234. Please note that in a few minutes, we will start the process of boarding. You are requested to have your passport and boarding pass ready for verification.”

***

“Oh my God! Is that the bracelet from the Taylor Swift concert?” 

Azra turned to look at the girl sitting next to her, who was pointing excitedly to her wrist. She smiled, “Yes! I went to the concert on Wembley N2. Did you go as well…?” 

Her neighbour shook her head, “I’m Sarah! No, I wish I did, though. Two of my friends did and they said they had an amazing time.” 

“It was magical, Sarah! I am Azra. I think we are on the same flight. You’re travelling to Dubai for holiday?” Azra asked.

“Oh, I am just taking a stopover flight to Brunei for the summer, actually. My family lives there. I am studying at Coventry University. Well, I was a student there. Just graduated!”

“Graduated? I don’t think I can even picture myself graduating just yet. I am still in first year. At King’s, actually but originally from India. What subject do you study? I am doing psychology.” 

Sarah’s face perked up at this, “Me too! How has the first year been for you so far?” 

Giving her a cheeky smile, Azra said, “I finished my exams in May so I am a bit relaxed now. It was definitely fun but sometimes I called up my mom and asked if I should just dropout.” 

Sarah’s nodded, “I totally get you. It can be hard for international students to experience homesickness! Although, to be fair, I rarely got homesick in the first year.” Azra looked at her with surprise and a little relief. “I am really glad you said that because I have been a little ashamed about how I didn’t feel homesick at all. I was just overwhelmed by the university workload. But my best friend got me through it.”

“My friends really helped me too, but it was so hard for me to make friends at first because I came a semester late. Everyone seemed to know each other already and I am so socially awkward and introverted,” she said, a sad smile on her face. 

Trying to help her neighbour feel better, Azra replied, “’Socially Awkward and Introverted’” is definitely going to be on my tombstone. But yeah, that must have been quite hard. How did you manage during the early days?”

Sarah stared at her phone’s wallpaper, which looked to be her family, and said, “At first, I relied on my family and school friends a lot by calling and texting them. But I also enjoyed having time to myself. It really helped me gain confidence and independence.”

Amazed, Azra said, “That actually sounds great, because I always have a hard time understanding what to do with myself. I feel like I crave other people’s company, despite also being an introvert.”

***

“Ladies and gentleman, this is a boarding announcement for passengers travelling to Dubai via Emirates flight EK1234. We now request all passengers with children and those requiring special assistance to come for boarding.”

***

“Honestly, those two states can coexist together. Despite liking my own company, I also love being around people and going out. I did join a society and that opened the doors to more opportunities, like I got to play netball with the Malaysian Society and compete. It was really fun!” Sarah replied, gathering her things in preparation for boarding. 

Azra wanted to ask what netball was and if it was similar to football, but decided it wasn’t the time to do that, “Netball sounds so cool! I am very sports-challenged but for what it is worth, I can run down a hill very quickly. I think for me, friendships went a bit differently. The first friend I made was online, even before I came to university. I met her in a comment section for an official King’s account and reached out to her. It took a lot of courage and coaxing from my mom to text her, and now actually, we are close friends.”

Sarah looked up from her bag, raising her eyebrows in awe, “I can’t imagine becoming friends with someone online. I’m glad to hear that it worked out for you.”

Giggling, Azra added, “Pre-2021 me would run away at the thought of talking to strangers online but when I was about to leave for uni, I realized that I need to force myself to reach out to people and talk to them. And I think it worked well because I met my best friend on a WhatsApp group chat for freshers and now we are planning on living together next year.”

“That’s so cute! Yeah, I wish I had made more of an effort in first year, but I eventually made friends over time.”

Azra nodded, “I am glad you did. Everyone has their own process of making friends. I’m sure you know about this better than I do, but now that I have completed a year, I feel like maintaining friendships is an equally if not more important part of finding belonging. At university, you don’t really get to see your friends every day unless you seek them out.”

***

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is a boarding announcement for passengers travelling to Dubai via Emirates flight EK1234. We now request all passengers sitting in Zone C and D to come for boarding.”

***

“That’s me!” they said in unison and laughed. It took them a minute to collect everything and rush to the queue. At least it was moving fairly quickly. 

Sarah returned to their conversation as soon as both of them were through the verification and were walking down the corridor to the flight. “It was quite easy to maintain friendships with friends who were part of my course, but I had to make a lot of effort for my friends outside of my university. At least I got to travel around the UK!” 

Biting her lip out of habit, Azra responded, “Diverse friend groups are definitely harder to maintain but also so important to have. As an international student, I feel like I have grown a lot as a person because I made friends with people not from India and not just on my course. This way, I had so much to learn from them and to find different sorts of belonging.”

“Yeah, I totally agree with you. The person I was in first year was more scared and shy to meet new people and to try new things. But by my third year, I took on the initiative to do multiple volunteering roles at various places and took part in activities. I got to meet a lot of new people and was proud of myself.” Sarah had just finished talking when they entered the aircraft and were greeted by the cabin attendants. It turned out that Sarah was sitting a few rows in front of Azra. 

As they made their way to Sarah’s seat first, Azra said, “I can’t wait to be proud of myself in the next two years. It would be a first!”, They had just reached Row 37 where Sarah was meant to sit. “Here, let me get that bag for you. Here we go! Before I go to my seat, the homesickness, does it just never hit, then? Is it a myth? Azra asked right as Sarah sat down in the aisle seat.

Not wanting to hold up the people behind, Sarah replied quickly, “I wish I could say it was. But I got really homesick in my third year. And the friends that I made in university got me through it all.”

Azra smiled, “Like a found family, huh?” “Exactly.”

Bidding each other goodbye, Azra went to her seat, feeling reassured and ready to comfortably nap on the flight. 

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

I am Hina, a recent Psychology graduate from King’s College London. Recently, I have been reflecting on the time I spent at university. For me, friendships and belonging have been at the centre of the positive experiences I had at university. I went from being someone who believed she wasn’t worthy of good relationships to someone who has been uplifted by her friends’ love and kindness. And so, the prospect of helping other students find the same kind of belonging makes me really happy. I cannot wait for the U-Belong Campaign and its message to reach students all over UK. 

Hi, I am Syirah and I am a Psychology Graduate from Coventry University. My experience as an international student has motivated me to make the most out of the opportunities in the UK. As a result, my involvement in multiple volunteering roles, such as volunteering with the NHS, local museum, and online reading groups have strongly influenced my drive to take part in the U-Belong Research.  The aims of U-Belong truly reflect my values in creating a better environment for international students who may struggle with belongingness and their wellbeing. My role as a psychology student has provided me with the foundations of research, whilst also allowing me to improve my research and transferable skills. I look forward to seeing how  the U-Belong campaign will progress

Expectations vs Reality: Preparing for University

Ayo writes about the common expectations new students might have about university and compares them with the realities they may encounter.

- Ayo

Embarking on your university journey is a time filled with excitement, dreams, and HUGE expectations. It marks a significant transition from sixth form/college or gap years to a new chapter brimming with academic challenges, social opportunities, and personal growth. However, if the reality of university life differs from this rosy picture you have in your mind (which is not uncommon!) this can make the whole transition to university even harder. Whether it’s about academics, social life, or balancing responsibilities, understanding these differences can help set realistic goals and equip you with the right mindset to thrive in your new environment. 

Here are some common expectations that university students have and the actual reality that a lot of students face:  

Academic Expectations

• Expectations: Many students enter university believing they will master their subjects quickly, ace every exam, and maintain a perfect balance between studying and leisure. The idea of being intellectually challenged is appealing, and the resources available at a university level promise exciting opportunities for academic growth.  
• Reality: University academics are often more demanding and rigorous than expected. The transition from high school or gap years can be jarring, with increased workloads, complex materials, and a greater emphasis on self-directed learning. It’s common to struggle initially as you adjust to new teaching styles, manage your time effectively, and seek help when needed.  

 

Social Expectations

• Expectations: The social scene at university is often imagined as vibrant and inclusive, with lifelong friendships forming effortlessly. Movies and media portray university life as a whirlwind of parties, social gatherings, and instant connections with like-minded people.  
• Reality: Making friends and finding your social niche can take time and effort. The university community is diverse and transient, with students coming and going, which can make it challenging to form stable friendships. It’s normal to feel lonely or out of place initially as you navigate this new social environment.  

 

Balancing Responsibilities

• Expectations: Many students expect to juggle academic responsibilities, part-time jobs, social life, and extracurricular activities with ease. The idea of a well-rounded university experience is appealing, and students often plan to excel in multiple areas simultaneously.  
• Reality: Balancing various responsibilities can be overwhelming. The demands of coursework, financial pressures, and maintaining a social life can lead to stress and burnout if not managed properly. It’s crucial to set realistic priorities and develop effective time management skills to maintain a healthy balance.  

By providing a clear and honest comparison, my goal is to help you better prepare for the adventures and challenges ahead or that you may currently be in, ensuring you make the most out of your university experience and thrive from day one.

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

As a second-year psychology student, I am deeply invested in the U-Belong campaign because it addresses the critical issue of loneliness among university students, a key factor in mental health. This campaign is important in uniting the student community to share experiences and resources, ensuring that every student feels connected and supported throughout their university journey.

Shifting Focus: Making Memories, Not Friends

Alyssia writes about how to find the right friends for you at university. 

- Alyssia

I came to university ready to reinvent the high-school-me.  

 

Growing up socially anxious in an unwelcoming environment, I felt isolated during my 12 years at the same school. Over the years, I would adapt to become stubbornly individualistic. Although I did have friends, I wasn’t very attached to them.  

 

But deep down, I was miserable. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t fit in.  

 

This dissatisfaction fuelled many of my actions, including my determination to get into university and to make a group of ‘cool’ university friends.

 

So, you can imagine my frustration when I met a lot of people… and barely found any that clicked. I was beginning to think that I was destined to be alone in life. You might look at the title and think I’m recounting a failed social experience, but I’m here to tell you to put down that tissue box and to stop it with the puppy eyes. There will be no need for that. 

 

The problem was that I saw the concept of a social life as a competition; as a win-or-lose, do-or-die situation. I was so used to high school and its monstrosities (cliques and hierarchies) that I overlooked the vastness of the university social pool, and the endless possibilities it holds.  

 

So, I started feeling comfortable in anonymity, in being my own person. I decided to switch my mission from making best friends to making the best memories instead. To put it in a better way: I chose to focus on watering my own garden, pouring my passions into the soil, and thinking, “Who knows what butterflies would come?” 

 

I put this into action on the way to a poetry open mic event one night. I took the stage wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I talked to the people who sat alone. Before I realised it, I ended up making my first friend who clicked that night. And as I continued my life enriching that garden, you won’t believe how many more beautiful butterflies stopped by and decided to stay.  

 

All of them are kind, witty and intelligent in their own ways, from all around the world, and I am so grateful we found each other. I learned that the more you treat your social life as a life and not a competition, the more likely you’ll find people who’ll stick and choose to grow with you.  

 

As a final note: keep watering your garden and let the butterflies come to you. You’ve got this! 

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

Hi, I’m Alyssia! I am an upcoming second-year student at the University of Edinburgh, majoring in English Literature. I participated in U-Belong because I am naturally drawn to studying individuals and how they interact in societies. Helping people find a sense of belonging is rooted in the human need for social connection, and this understanding gives me confidence that anyone can achieve a meaningful social life at university. 

You belong with me

Abigail writes about building a sense of belonging when starting university. 

- Abigail Mathew

Ah, the beloved two words every young adult looks forward to upon leaving secondary education: Fresher's Week.

You must be familiar with the term – it is a word which is celebrated in the eyes of every prospective university student. However, I was one of the oddballs who was quite apprehensive about it. Not just about fresher’s week but about university life in general.  As soon as I stepped onto the campus of my university, I was greeted harshly with the academic term and weeks 1 – 5 blew past me like wind. 

 It was during my initial weeks at university that I noticed that something was amiss, not in the physical sense, but more so mentally. I had got into university, and I was studying for a degree that I chose. I should be happy right? Although my love for psychology was growing slowly, I struggled to find meaningful connections and a sense of belonging within the university environment, especially from individuals whom I shared a cultural identity with.  

My cohort was very diverse, there were quite a few of us from India especially South India where I am originally from. Yet – I failed to achieve a sense of belonging. Something about not finding ‘your people’ and feeling left out mixed with a sense that I was not getting the university experience made me quickly realise that as much as I loved my peers and friends I made, deep down I longed for an emotional connection and a sense of belonging to peers from the same ethnic origin as me.

A way in which I dealt with feelings of loneliness was to join different societies, I did not limit myself to just joining the cultural societies, and although this helped me to meet a few individuals during fresher’s week, I was not able to find long term friendship or belonging with them. During my second year when I joined the university’s badminton society, a sense of belonging was achieved. I quickly found my people within the team, and the club was very inclusive and welcoming. I connected with the team members, especially within the South Asians on the team. I was also able to strengthen my friendships with my South Asian friends I had previously made from my course by also inviting them to join the society with me. Thanks to badminton, a sense of belonging was found in like-minded people by hitting a shuttle around the court twice a week. 

Also, after joining badminton – I was able to strengthen and reconnect with South Asian friends and peers that I had made previously. Despite not having many friends who were from the same part of India as me I have found solace, friendship, and comfort in my South Asian friends. Thanks to them, I have been able to learn about the different traditions which are celebrated by different countries (and different names for chai!). 

To all of my wonderful friends - I am grateful to all of you for the immense love, support, kindness, and warmth you have shown to me and for welcoming me into your tribe. Thank you for always drinking my chai, and for making me chai during deadline season. 

Without my wonderful gang, I would not have survived two years of lectures, (especially statistics) – thank you for giving me a reason to look forward to Monday mornings.

To my friends who would tirelessly explain the assignments for the nth time, offer a shoulder to lean on in the library and who would always pick up the call/text during deadline season amidst the sea of panic – you guys are heroes. Thank you for the encouragement and motivation. 

Finally, to all of my South Asian friends and peers – thank you for giving me a sense of belonging, and a reason to smile during gloomy days. 

A piece of advice I would give to anyone feeling lonely as a university student is to try new things and go to different activities, I encourage you to go out of your comfort zone – you never know how it’ll change your perception of university life! 

This blog was written as part of the U-Belong campaign to combat loneliness and isolation at university. To find out more, visit their website. You can also find support at Student Space.

My name is Abigail Mathew and I am a psychology student from Keele University. I remember when I first joined the university and how daunting and scary the first few weeks felt. Especially adjusting to a new environment and making new friends.

Moving out to university was a big change for me as I had never left home and my family and friends before, and it felt lonely at times, especially during the winter months.

I joined the U- belong campaign because I want to help new students access support and raise awareness of loneliness among university students.