Grief from a distance

Emily shares her recent experiences of loss and shares some tips that have helped her through this difficult time. 

- Emily Thorpe

A few weeks ago, I lost my Nan to dementia. I understand that my situation is not unique, and that loss is experienced by everyone. Sometimes unexpectedly; sometimes losing someone stretches out over a long period of time. Both hurt profoundly. 

Two months ago, I embarked on a year abroad to teach English in Spain. When I said a temporary goodbye to the UK, I didn’t think that would have meant saying a final goodbye to my Nan. 

Losing someone very close to me while working abroad has been incredibly challenging. I decided to stay in Spain rather than return home, which meant finding a different way to grieve. Grieving at a distance has been difficult, as it has been also loaded with feelings of guilt and isolation from family and friends. 

I wanted to share some tips for others who may be facing a similar situation. Although grief is personal, I found the below ways helpful in my journey of coming to terms with the death of my Nan. 

1. Talk to the people who surround you

I have met so many incredible people while I’ve been abroad. The teachers at school, other language assistants and even my landlady have all formed a really strong support network. Seeking support from the individuals in my life now has enabled me to talk through my emotions to process my grief whilst also reducing feelings of isolation. My chosen family have been holding my hand throughout my grief process. 

2. Maintain regular contact with home

Technology has been my best friend over the past few weeks. I have been able to remain in contact with my friends and family during this period which has been so helpful to both share our grief as a family whilst enabling me to feel more involved with ways to remember my Nan. On the point of technology, sometimes it is possible for funerals to be live-streamed too. It may be worth enquiring if this is a possibility if you are unable to return home for the funeral. 

3. It’s okay to take time off. Equally, it’s okay to carry on working. 

It is okay to feel like you need to take a step back from your life abroad. Some evenings, I practised self-care by listening to music in my flat and painting my nails. This was something that I loved to do with my Nan. However, I have still continued to teach in my school over the past few weeks. Do what makes you feel comfortable. It doesn’t matter if some people believe you should be doing one thing rather than another. Grief is personal.

4. Create your own memorial 

As I was unable to attend the funeral, I have created my own ways to remember my Nan. I was fortunate enough to be gifted one of her bracelets for my 21st birthday from my Grandad which I wear every day. Wearing this piece of jewellery has helped me to feel a little bit closer to both my Nan and my family. I have also created an album of photographs on my phone to remind me of all the lovely memories that I have of my Nan. Creating your own memorial for the person you have lost can allow you to feel just that little bit closer to home. 

For National Grief Awareness Week 2023, I wanted to share that it is important to remember that grief is personal to you. Don’t let others tell you how you should be grieving. I decided to stay in Spain and find my own ways to come to terms with the death of my Nan. Nobody should judge you for taking some time off to return home to grieve. Equally, nobody should judge you for grieving from a distance.

Whether you are looking for support for your own mental health at university or supporting a friend, help is available. 

I'm Emily, a third-year History and Spanish undergraduate at Durham University currently on a year abroad in Galicia, Spain. After struggling with various aspects of my mental health whilst in my first year at university and watching close friends struggle too, I've become particularly aware of the stigma surrounding student mental health. I believe that far too many students suffer in silence for too long, so I'm really excited to be part of a community that encourages students to have open conversations about mental health. I hope my work with Student Minds can help facilitate these conversations so that students know they are never alone.

Dealing with grief and being overwhelmed during University

Candice shares her experience about coping with challenges such as being overwhelmed and grieving during her university experience.

- Candice Williams

Navigating university is an, at times, overwhelming experience. But attending university virtually, as a result of a pandemic, is an altogether different affair. For my undergraduate program, I completed my degree face-to-face. But my master’s degree, begun in September 2019, was accomplished mainly from the comfort of my own home. Starting a University course, whether it be an undergraduate or masters programme, is hard enough but was made even harder when I received some bad news. Two days before the course began, my grandmother passed away. I was heartbroken. Her passing was sudden, and my family and I were in a state of shock. Although it wasn’t the best start to my master’s degree, I only missed a couple of lectures and managed to stay on top of my assignments and workload.

Besides being a full-time student, I was also working two jobs, completing a placement (as part of my university course) and volunteering. I had a lot on my plate, and at times, I felt very overwhelmed. Just when I thought I had everything balanced, the pandemic hit. I lost both of my jobs, my placement and volunteering work was stopped, and university moved online. It was an adjustment period, but it made me realise that I was using being busy to distract myself and sweep things under the rug. In hindsight, I needed that downtime. I needed that time at home to work on me, to focus on the things I needed to work on and get the help necessary to improve my quality of life. And I did just that. I plucked up the courage and asked for help. I received several cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) sessions, and am grateful for what I learned along the way. In the future, I aim to provide advice to students to enhance their university experience and protect their overall wellbeing. I find the following ways essential for coping with grief and workload during university:

1)    Talk to your tutor

Your tutor is a person you can confide in, someone who may have been in the same position as you. My tutor was a past student, so he understood how I felt about assignments and university pressure. As I was grieving, I thought that I needed to take a break and was able to talk to my tutor about extending my deadlines and possibly deferring for a year if I needed to.

2)    Talk to your friends

Having a support group is so important. Talking to your friends is a great way to relieve stress and get things off your chest.

3)    Having a self-care routine

Self-care is doing things that make you feel good! That could be having a bath, eating some great food, or even watching a movie in bed! Catering to our wellbeing is necessary. It boosts our mood and makes us feel better, especially if we have been feeling low.

4)    Write a schedule

Having time to complete your assignments and attending your lectures/seminar groups is essential. Having a plan will help you see when your deadlines are and identify when you have free time to practice self-care.

5)    Have a study group

If you need extra support with your assignments, or would like to get a different perspective, you can form a study group. Remember, your classmates are in a similar position to you! You could even create a WhatsApp group to discuss assignments and lecture notes.

6)    Revise as if you have a face-to-face exam

Regarding online exams, I found that it helps to revise a bit to understand the concepts that may be mentioned in the exam. When my face-to-face exams were transferred online, I had already started revising, so felt less stressed about this new form of examination. I would recommend organising both your ‘lecture’ and ‘further reading’ notes. Having notes helped me tremendously, as I knew where to find the answers to the questions!

7)    Have something to look forward to

Being bogged down with work can be stressful. It is crucial to complete your assignments, but it is also vital to have something to look forward to. For example, if you have completed a project, you should congratulate yourself and do something to celebrate. Of course, we need to abide by government restrictions, but we can still celebrate at home! When I finished my dissertation, I binge-watched my favourite shows! I had worked hard, so I felt it necessary to take a few days of downtime to chill and relax.

All in all, I enjoyed my university experience. Reaching out for help during my grief showed me that I don’t have to suffer in silence and gave me the tools to cope with my assignments. Now I know the importance of self-care, I have incorporated it into my daily routine - I hope you do the same too!

Learn more about loss, and how you can support yourself through it on Student Space.

 

Hello, my name is Candice and I recently completed my Masters in mental health: Psychological Therapies. I am sharing my story in order to give students advice on hope to navigate university, manage their wellbeing as well as being the best student they can be.